She shot the little b*****d.
Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
And now they have a son.
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs, for breakfast again.
Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all
could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice that I
heard on a Medical TV show, I have at last finally found inner peace.
A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish off all the
things you have started but not finished.
So, this morning I looked around the house to identify all unfinished tasks.
In the course of my therapy, I finished off 19 Benson & Hedges, a bottle of
Merlot, a bottle of Shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a
pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the
rest of the Chesescke an a bax a cholates. Yu haf no idr who gud I fel. Peas
sen dis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece. (Hic)
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd
better have a good hand." Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." Camille Paglia
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are
unimportant." George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole
relationship." Sharon Stone
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf
is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." Jack
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he
never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (Former US
First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals
through his wallet." Robin Williams
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing
in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say
that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are
having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know
what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'." Jerry Seinfeld
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough
blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams
" It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
" Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money
can buy." Steve Martin
" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little
things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay
good money for in later life." Elmo Phillips
" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde
" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands. He walks into a
bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian barmaid. As she takes his
order - aFoster's - she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening
they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back
to his place.
Although attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 to
sleep with him. As she is travelling around the world, and short of funds,
The next night the guy turns up again. Again orders Fosters and after
showing her plenty of attention, asks if she'll sleep with him again for
$200. Remembering the night before and is only too happy to agree.
This goes on for 5 nights.
On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in
the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention, maybe
she can shake some more Australian dollars out of him. So she goes over and
sits next to him and asks where he's from in Australia.
"Melbourne", he tells her. "So am I. What suburb?" she enquires. "Glen Iris"
he replies. "That's amazing," she says excitedly, "so am I - what street?"
"Cameo Street" he replies. "This is unbelievable........." she says, her
voice quavering; "What number?" "Number 20", he replies.
She is totally astonished. "You are NOT going to believe this," she screams,
"but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!!"
"Yeah, I know..." he says, "Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you"
HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN, THINKS AUSTRALIAN....
Have you any grounds? Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge? No,
we have carport, and not need one.
I mean, how are your relations? All my relations still in Poland.
Is there infidelity in your marriage? We have hi-fidelity stereo and
good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up? No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger? No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce? She going to kill me.
What makes you think that? I got proof.
What kind of proof? She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at pharmacy
and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover."
Monkey Business - Mike West (29th Nov '06)
A fellow walked into a pet
store and was looking at the animals on display.
While he was there, a Chief Petty Officer from the local Naval Air Station
walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'd like a line service monkey,
The clerk nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a
monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it to the Chief,
saying, "That'll be £1,000." The Chief paid and left with the monkey.
Surprised, the fellow went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very
expensive monkey - most of them are only a few hundred pounds. Why did that
one cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah - that was a line service monkey. He can park,
fuel, and service all Naval aircraft, conduct all required ground ops
testing, rig aircraft flight controls, and all with no mistakes. He's also
trained in all carrier flight deck ops. He's well worth the money."
With increasing interest, the guy looked around and spotted a monkey in
another cage with a £10,000 price tag. "That one's even more expensive! What
can it do?"
"Oh, that one's a "Maintenance Supervisor" monkey. She can instruct at all
levels of aircraft maintenance, supervise all corrective and preventive
maintenance programs, supervise a crew of Maintainers, and even do most of
the paperwork. A very useful
monkey indeed," replied the shopkeeper.
The guy looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage.
The price tag read, "£50,000". Holy shit! What does this one do?"
"Well", the shopkeeper said, "I've never actually seen him do anything but
drink beer, screw the girl monkeys, and play with his pecker. But his
papers say that he's a licenced pilot....."
Barbie Time (15th Nov '06)
No kidding, the following was extracted from a Hartlepool newspaper:
I was waiting as customer services in Asda and the woman in front was
returning a disposable barbeque.
When asked why, she replied that when she'd opened it there was no meat in
The shop assistant patiently explained that the barbeque was simply to cook
the meat it didn't include. The customer looked very embarrassed indeed.
Anyway, the assistant looked at her receipt and asked "There are three
barbeques on here, are you returning the other two as well?"
"I can't" said the woman. "They're at home in the freezer".
By all Means... MARRY! - Sorry Ladies
(23rd Oct '06)
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be
why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't
face each other, but still they stay together.
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a
bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does
a woman want?
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a
restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and
dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic
banking. It's called marriage.
James Holt McGavran
I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit
it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it -
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's
Courtesy - Mike Hardy (23rd Oct '06)
To commemorate her 69th birthday Julie Andrews made a
special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of
One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favourite Things"
from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music." However, the lyrics of the song
changed for the entertainment of her "blue rinse" audience. Here are the
lyrics she recited:
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up with string,
These are a few of my favourite things.
Cadillac's, cataract s, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident, Fixodent and dentures and glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favourite things.
When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin,'
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favourite things.
When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
THEN I REMEMBER THE GREAT LIFE I'VE HAD,
AND THEN I DON'T FEEL SO BAD.
Courtesy - Ann Lovegrove (7th Sept
Smart Ass Smart Ass Answer #1:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As
a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need
to see your ticket not your stub."
Smart Ass Answer #2:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she
couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do
these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're
Smart Ass Answer #3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled
down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid
replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally
stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Smart Ass Answer #4:
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads,
"Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and
he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles, Finally, a
police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck
driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,"Got stuck, huh?" The truck
driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
Smart Ass Answer 5:
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I
won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider
a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your
immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass
guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say
if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual
exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When
silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking
her head and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with
your other hand."
American Courts (16th Aug '06)
These are from a book called Disorder in the
American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for
word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of
staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th. Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory
Q: And ! in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something
that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you
when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Doris?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved
in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
Q: How many were boys?
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, ! this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing?
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
when you began the autopsy?
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive,
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive
and practising law somewhere.
Your Weather - Ann Lovegrove (14th Aug
If you're planning a trip, look outside. If the sky looks like this, forget
the trip and grab a novel!
Noah in 2006 - Anne Lovegrove (2nd
In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United
States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and
over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark
before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard -
but no Ark.
"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a
building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a
sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood
zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height
limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the
future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear
the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be
coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees
in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environment alists
that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.
They insis! ted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They
argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane
to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an
environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on
how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card sta tus of most of
the people who want to work.
The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only
Union workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to
leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched
across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not
going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
They walk among us- Foggie (21st July
YES SOME ARE REALLY JUST THIS DUMB........ Some guy bought a new fridge for
his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and
hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For
three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.
He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It
looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale
$50." The next day someone stole it. Caution... They Walk Among Us
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which
direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him
up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my
brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she
shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff." They Walk
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a
call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I
told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He
responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call
quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" . . They Walk Among Us!
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard
one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on
her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't
think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving" They Walk Among Us!
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a
seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk... They Walk Among
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier
multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.... They Walk Among Us!
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring
attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip
out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and
ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...
They Walk Among Us!
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the
lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional
and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
They Walk Among Us!
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to
go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding.
"Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.
*They walk among us, AND reproduce!
Humour, Yeah, But Ain't It The Truth -
Courtesy Mike Hardy (20th July '06)
Teddy Bears - Brian (19th July '06)
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up
leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his
apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled
with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the
bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully
placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by
the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were
small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way
along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a
collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is
quite impressed by his sensitive side. They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God!
Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my
children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds
warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts
her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom! Where they rip off each
other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity,
and more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of
raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the
afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,
"Well, how was it?"
The guy warmly smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes,
and says: "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."
Courtesy Pete Lipscombe (16th July '06)
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh
blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood & began hassling him about
where he got it.
He told them to piss off & let him get some sleep, but they persisted until
he finally gave in.
OK, follow me", he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats
Down through a valley they went across a river & into a huge forest.
Finally he slowed down & all other bats excitedly milled around him,tongues
hanging out for blood.
"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good!" said the first bat, because I f/*g didn't!"
I Love This One
(11th July '06)
A man worked all life, saved all of his money, and was
a real miser when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die,
I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to
take my wealth to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise
him, faithfully that when he died, she would put all of the money in the
casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his
wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the
undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait a minute!"
She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
Her friend said, "I know you weren't fool enough to put
all that money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied "Listen, I'm a Christian; I
can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money
in that casket with him, so that's what I did."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket
"I sure did" said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account
and wrote him a cheque - if he can cash it, he can spend it."
A Couple From Ann
Lovegrove (1st July '06)
A Jewish grandma and her grandson
are at the beach. He is playing in the water and she is standing on the
shore not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave
appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is
The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. Swept away.
She raises her hands to the sky as she screams and cries, "Lord, how could
you? Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother? Haven't I been a wonderful
mother? Haven't I kept a kosher home? Haven't I given to B'nai B'rith?
Haven't I given to Hadassah? Haven't I lit candles every Friday night?
Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?"
A voice booms from the sky, "Okay, okay!"
A few minutes later, another hu ge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes
on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there, smiling and
splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.
The voice booms again. "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"
She responds, "He had a hat."
SHARING THE SUNSET YEARS
An elderly couple visits McDonalds. He orders one hamburger, one order of
French fries and one drink. The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and
carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then
carefully counts out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and
neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a sip of the drink,
his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them.
As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep
looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor
old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the
man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He politely
offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man says they are
just fine - they are used to sharing everything. The surrounding people
notice the little old lady hasn't eaten a bite. She sits there watching her
husband eat and occasionally takes turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for
them. This time the old woman says, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing
everything." As the old man finishes and is wiping his face neatly with the
napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who has yet to
eat a single bite of food and asks, "What is it you are waiting for?"
It Has To Be
Foggie (16th June '06)
Seems appropriate to recycle this old list of jokes on
the eve of some little sports comp that's about to kick off in Europe
Q: Why aren't the English football team allowed to own a dog? A: Because
they can't hold on to a lead.
Q: What's the difference between the England team and a tea-bag? A: The
tea-bag stays in the cup longer.
Q: What is common between a 3-pin plug and the English football team? A:
They are both useless in Europe!
Q: What's the difference between O J Simpson and England? A: OJ Simpson had
a more credible defence
Rumours that David Beckham was seen successfully seducing a young woman in a
Spanish nightclub with a one-liner have been completely refuted by the
English FA. Adam Crozier, chief publicity officer stated: "I find it totally
preposterous to suggest that one of our players could make a successful pass
to or at anyone."
Q. What's the difference between the English and a jet engine?
A. A jet engine eventually stops whining.
Q. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and Jimmy Hill. You
have a gun with two bullets. What do you do?
A. Shoot Jimmy Hill - twice.
Q. What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead English
football fan on the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q. What do English football fans and sperm have in common?
A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Q. Why should you never swerve to hit an English football fan on a bicycle?
A. It could be your bicycle.
Four surgeons are taking a coffee break. The first one says, "Accountants
are the best to operate on because when you open them up everything inside
them is numbered." The second surgeon says, "Nah, librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order." Third surgeon says, "Try
electricians. Everything inside them is colour-coded." The fourth one says,
"I prefer English football fans. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and
their heads and arses are interchangeable."
Did you hear about the UK politician who was found dead in an English
football jersey? The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in
order to save his family from the embarrassment.
Did you hear that the UK Post Office has had to recall their latest stamps
with pictures of English football players on them. People couldn't figure
out which side to spit on.
Q. What do you do when 100 English football fans are buried up to their
necks in sand?
A. Get more sand
Humorous or No -
Courtesy Alan Miller (10th June '06)
If you can raed this, you
have a sgtrane mnid, too.
Can you raed this? Olny 55 plepoe tuo of 100 anc.
I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg.
The Phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word
The Olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit
Pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a
Pboerlm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef,
But the Word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was
This is just so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service
being what it is today.
A relative died this past January, and Citibank billed her for January and
February for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added
late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00,
now it was somewhere around $60.00.
I placed a call to Citibank:
Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still
Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
Citibank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."
Me: “So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds ! division or report her
to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Citibank: "Excuse me?"
Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you--The part about her
Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Me: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still
Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Citibank: (Stammer). "Are you her lawyer?"
Me: "No, I'm her great
nephew." (Lawyer info given)
Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Me: "Sure." (Fax number is given)
After they get the fax:
Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I
can do to help."
Me: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep
billing her. I don't think she will care."
Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
Me: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Citibank: "That might help."
Me: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery
Plot number 6 9
Citibank: "But Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"
Courtesy Russ McDermid (20th May '06)
Subject: A New Key To Success?
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than
100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over
100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help
you answer these questions:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21
22 23 24 25 26.
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
And K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
B-U-L-L -S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S -I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+ 9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that
While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you
there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Some People Will
Go to Any Lengths!
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the
first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue,
gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a
tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that
the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she
took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the
woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times,
wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you okay?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare
medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still
curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you
taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded and said, "Pepper!"
Courtesy Ann Lovegrove (24th May '06)
For all of you who have been there and needed one.........
finally a place to buy them...
More from Evil (not so evil Ned) (14th
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into
the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into
his eyes, and said; "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do
you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy!
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against
the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in
jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You
CANNOT have any cyanide.”
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now.
That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Where did pets come from?
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has
provided the answer to "Where did pets come from?"
Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden,
you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are
lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."
And God said, “I will create a companion for you that
will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that
you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or
childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you
are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve
and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the
animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, “I have created this new animal to be a
reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name,
and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to
them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to
the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They
strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration.
Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, “I will create for them a companion who
will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will
remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always
worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve
gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a shit one way or
Foggie and Evil Ned (16th April '06)
Received the following from the above separated by a couple of nano seconds.
Thanks to both.
The manager of Liverpool FC sends scouts out round the World looking for a
new striker to hopefully win Liverpool the title. One of his scouts informs
him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true
superstar. So the manager flies to Iraq to watch him and is suitably
impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield. Two weeks later
Liverpool are 4-0 down at home with only twenty minutes left, and
Liverpool's manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod to go on. The lad
is a sensation, scores five goals in twenty minutes and wins the game for
Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and
the media love the new star. When he comes off the pitch he phones his Mum
to tell her about his first day in English football. "Hi Mum, guess what?"
he says. "I played for twenty minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored
five and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the players and the media,
they all love me." "Great," says his Mum, "now let me tell you about my day.
Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were raped and beaten
and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great
time." The young lad is very upset. "What can I say Mum, but I'm so sorry".
"Sorry?!?" says his Mum. "It's your f#$^&%ng fault that we moved to
Liverpool in the first place!"
A Clean One for a change!!! (8th April '06)
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley
motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The
surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his
bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "HeyDoc, can I ask you a
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic wasworking
on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So, Doc,
look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, repair any damage,
and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how
come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you
and I are doing basically the same work?" The surgeon paused, smiled and
leaned over, and whispered to the
"Try doing it with the engine running."
Could Not Resist This One (7th March '06)
THE AUSTRALIAN ARMY (7th Feb '06)
Don't know where I got this one, I can't take the
credit, but it's a hoot
Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and
Dad. (For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town west of
Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland.)
Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers
Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them
to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!
I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya
don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya
gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya
No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to
stack - nothin'!! Blokes has gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz
there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no
kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes.
You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time
all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez,
its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with
laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is
as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and its not firing back
at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize
cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself
comfortable and hit the target - its a piece of piss!! You don't even hafta load
your own cartridges - they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to
steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I
gotta be real careful coz they breakeasy - it's not like fighting with Doug
and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steveand Muzza all at once like we do at
home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like
I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke
from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pickhandles
across the shoulders, and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin'
wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get
in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter,
After a considerable absence my mail "Humour Correspondant" has returned.
For you entertainment and edification here are a couple of his latest:
Miss Beatrice, the
church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was
admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor
came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She
invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old
Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of
it. The bowl was filled with water, and in
the water floated, of
all things, a condom!
When she returned with
tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to
stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but
soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he
said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied,
"Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I
found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on
the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do
you know I haven't had the flu all winter."
If you remember
the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your
eyes. These questions and answers are from the days when the "Hollywood
Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and
(often) dull, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the
Q. Do female frogs
A. Paul Lynde: If
you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going
to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver:
Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False,
a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel:
Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been
having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts:
That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to
Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is
attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No;
wait until morning.
Q. Which of your
five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver:
My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian,
does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price:
No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are "Do
It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I
don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow
older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You
ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture
you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do
Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde:
Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've
just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first
A. Charley Weaver:
Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q In bowling,
what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie:
Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is
considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is
politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde:
Q. During a
tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie:
Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join
the CampFire Girls?
A. Marty Allen:
Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a
dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde:
Make him bark?
Q. If you were
pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde:
Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to
Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing
a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver:
It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most
abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde:
Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old
days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to
A. George Gobel:
Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays
pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who
told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple
have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver:
I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason
recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them
on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver:
Q. According to
Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde:
Point and Laugh
TOO EMBARRASSED - Foggie (23rd Sept '05)
could not resist this one - G
Billy was at school
this morning in the outback and the teacher asked all the children what
there fathers did for a living.
All the typical
answers came out, Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Chippy, Captain of Industry
etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked
him about his father.
"My father is an
exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other
men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a
cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."
The teacher quickly
set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if
that was really true.
"No" said Billy, "He
plays cricket for Australia, but I was just too embarrassed to say."
Sad News Indeed (15th Sept '06)
It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the
following news: Please join me in remembering a great icon of the
entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast
infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was
71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities
turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack,
the California raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain
Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the
eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he
was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was
filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting
much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at
times he was still a crusty old man and was considered a roll model for
millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John
Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by
his elderly dad, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20
minutes. If this made you smile for even a brief second, please take time to
pass it on and share that smile with someone else that kneads it.
Computerspeak From An Old Friend M.H.E. (4th
Home is where you hang your @.
email of the species is more deadly than the mail.
journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
Great groups from little icons grow.
Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
some places, C:\ is the root of all directories.
what a tangled Website we weave when first we practice.
Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.
modem is the message.
many clicks spoil the browse.
geek shall inherit the earth.
Don't byte off more than you can view.
is stranger than fiction.
What boots up, must come down.
Windows will never cease.
Virtual reality is its own reward.
Modulation in all things.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to use the Net and
he won't bother you for weeks.
20. There's no place like your
Could Not Resist
This One (2nd June '05)
President Bush was visiting a
primary school and he visited one of the classes.
They were in the middle of a
discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the
President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy".
So the illustrious leader asked the
class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered:
"If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and A
tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy".
" No," said Bush, "that would be an
A little girl raised her hand: "If a
school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside,
that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained the
president. "That's what we would call great loss."
The room went silent. No other
children volunteered. Bush searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can
give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room a
small boy raised his hand.
In a quiet voice he said: "If Air
Force One carrying you and Mrs. Bush was struck by a friendly fire" missile
and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's
right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
Well," said the boy, "It has to be a
tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably
wouldn't be a f %&*&% accident either."
Lawyers (2nd June
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has
screwed him for ten million bucks. The bookkeeper is deaf. It was
considered an occupational benefit and why he got the job in the first place
since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear
anything he'd ever have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper
about his missing 10 million he brings along his attorney who knows sign
The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10
million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper
where the 10 million dollars is hidden.
The bookkeeper signs back "I don't know what you are
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't
know what you're talking about".
That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9mm pistol, puts
it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it and says "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you
for sure if you don't tell him!".
The bookkeeper signs back: "Okay! You win! The
money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's
backyard in Queens ".
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well what'd he say?"
The attorney replies "He says you don't have the balls
to pull the trigger".
(Don't you just love
(2nd Jan '05)
Maybe this should have been in the Articles Page - G
The Bible Cops
"What caliber Bible you carry?" Police Officer Niño asked.
got the heavy caliber hard cover. It'll knock a man over at 20 feet. You?"
Officer Fernandez said.
Officer Niño hoisted a Bible on an outstretched palm. "This is the
lightweight caliber. Doesn't have the grunt of your heavyweight but it's
much quicker on the draw."
They climbed into the patrol car and pulled out into the traffic on Roxas
"Read me the one about the poofs " Officer Niño said.
Officer Fernandez flipped through the pages of his Bible. "This is my
favorite," he said. "Leviticus 20:13. ‘If a man also lie with mankind, as he
lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination, they shall
surely be put to death.’"
"Way to go," Niño said. "Get rid of those poofta's once and for all. Hey,
there's two now."
pulled the car over to the kerb outside the Manila Yacht Club and they both
"Hey you," Officer Niño shouted. "Where you going?"
well-dressed young men in their early 20's turned. "You talking to us?" one
"You bet I'm talking to you. Where you think you're going?"
"The yacht club," the young man said.
been watching you walk. You don't walk, you mince. You both poofta's,
"What's a poofta?" the young man asked.
"Don’t kid me. You know what - gays, bakla's, woofta's. OK poofs, we gonna
read you stuff from the Bible. OK Officer Fernandez, read them the Leviticus
one about poofs."
Officer Fernandez started reading, "If a man also lie with mankind—“
“I’m Muslim,” the young man said. He looked at his companion. "These guys
are nuts. Let's get out of here." They turned and started walking toward the
yacht club when Officer Fernandez stepped forward. With a backhand sweep of
his hard covered Bible he belted the young man over the left ear. The young
man let out a scream and dropped to his knees clutching his ear, blood
oozing between his fingers.
"Hey, Fernandez, what a shot!” Officer Niño said. “That heavy caliber of
yours belts out a real Bible bashing!"
On June 7, 2003
the Inquirer reported:
FIRST it was drug tests for cops. Now the Department of Interior and Local
Government wants Metro Manila policemen to read and, if necessary, carry the
Bible in their work.
DILG Secretary Jose Lina Jr. Saturday gave free Bibles to members of the
Central Police District in an apparent bid to counter the reported negative
effects of the mandatory drug tests policemen are required to undergo. Lina
said they hoped that the free Bibles would "uplift the spiritual morale of
our policemen in the way of God. . . ."
Lina also announced the formation of Strike Force Nehemiah which would
implement a plan for policemen to read the Bible regularly and to make its
teachings "more meaningful and spiritually uplifting
Hi People (8th Dec '04)
Christmas is almost upon
us, again, along with the interminable festive jokes. The following for your
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY (anon)
December 1 TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked
eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing
along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to
light the Christmas tree!
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift
should be over $10.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
December 2nd TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We
recognize that, Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with
Christmas (though unfortunately not this year).
However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."
The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this
time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. Happy
Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
December 3rd TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this
request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA
Only," you won't be anonymous anymore.
In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-no gifts will be allowed since
the union members feel that $10 is too much money.
Patty Lewis, Human Researchers Director
December 7th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the
dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with
the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower
arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now?
Patty Lewis, Human Racehorses Director
December 9th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
People! People! Nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play
Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there
is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."
Patty Lewis, Human Ratraces
December 10th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians! I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at
Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table
farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar
only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings,
too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing
them right now...Ha!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?
The Bitch from Hell
December 14th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from
her stress-related illness.
I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the
meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give
everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
Xmas Angel -
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for
his annual trip, but there were problems.............problems everywhere.
Four of his elves got sick and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as
fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of
being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mother was
coming to visit.
This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he
found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the
fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy
bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went
into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whisky.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the
liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally
dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over
the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten
the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cursed on his way to the door. He
opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas
The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas Santa. Isn’t it such a
lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn’t it such a lovely tree?
Where would you like me to stick it?’
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree!
Kids comments on the sea - Foggie
(8th Dec '04)
Some school kids were asked to draw pictures relating to the sea and >also
give their personal comments....
Kelly age 6. This is a picture of an
octopus. It has eight testicles.
James age 6. Oysters balls are called pearls.
Peter age 6. I don't like the sea. It makes me sick on the ferry.
Wayne age 7. If you are surrounded by sea you are an island. If you don't
have sea all round you, you are in continent.
Kylie age 6. I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like
Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more.
Billy age 8. A dolphin breathes through an arsehole on the top of its head.
Millie age 6. My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with
William age 7. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to
cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would
whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off
Helen age 6. I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny
tails. How do mermaids get pregnant?
Amy age 6. I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always
screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister
has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.
Christopher age 7. Some fish are
dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They
have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug
themselves into chargers.
Laura age 5. My mum has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish.
Kevin age 6. When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes
my willy small.
Emma age 5. A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of
Valerie age 6. When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have
lots of sailors.
Julie age 7. On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was
going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her
Terry Duggan (18th Nov '04)
any airline you like, I guess!
The following letter is from the XXX (Airlines) Flight Operations
Newsletter. The letter is from a Captain answering his Chief Pilot's
"Request for further information."
In your icy, indeed hostile, telephone call of yesterday, you requested a
report about the alleged proceedings involving my crew at the XXX's 75th
Birthday celebration at the slip port. As the reports from the local
authorities and the head of the Australian legation were undoubtedly a
complete fabrication, I take the opportunity to put the truth of the matter
XXX's management's kind offer to "buy a round of drinks" was taken on board
by the crew who decided to upgrade the event to its correct status, so
appropriate quantities of libation and food were purchased, with festivities
being held in my hotel suite. An enjoyable evening ensued but insufficient
supplies had been obtained, so several members of the crew left for further
purchases at a local bar.
In a truly magnanimous gesture, ten bar girls from that establishment helped
carry the beer back to the hotel. To demonstrate our appreciation of their
assistance, we served them some cool drink. They then offered to show us
some local culture, and, in order not to offend, we allowed them to dance
some exotic dances.
The banging on the walls of my room had, by now, quite honestly, become
invasive, and it was disturbing the dancers, so we arranged an amusing
little deterrent. S/0 Brown's impersonation of the Police Officer was
excellent! In full Qantas uniform, with an aluminum rubbish bin upside down
on his head, he goose-stepped to each room and harangued the occupants with
a very witty diatribe about disturbing hotel guests. I personally heard
nothing of his alleged threats of life in Alcatraz or the Gulags, claimed by
the sister of the Minister of Police whose room was, unluckily, next door.
I have no doubt that this woman was the sneak who called security and hotel
management and I absolutely refute that the shout "Look out, here come the
Indians! Circle the wagons!" was made. The simple coincidence of security
arriving just as we stood the double bed on its side across the door to make
the dance floor bigger is obvious. The major damage to the room occurred
when a group of gate crashers, whom we could not know were hotel security,
forced their way in just as most of us happened to be leaning against the
bed watching the dancing.
The subsequent events in the foyer of the hotel are an equally vicious
distortion of the facts. I was explaining the importance of the 75th
Birthday to the General Manager of the hotel and noting that other guests
were fabricating stories of noise, drinking and singing at the celebration,
when F/O Smith (ex-SAS) and several other keep-fit enthusiasts, in keeping
with their almost monastic pursuit of health, organised the race up the
drapes which hang along the foyer wall. It says nothing for the workmanship
of some of these nations that the fittings were torn from the wall before
most of the crew were even halfway up. At this stage, in an amazing display
of international posturing, the Governor of the city, who was attending the
National Day cocktail party in the foyer, cast some denigrating remarks
about Australian culture.
Although he misunderstood our gestures of greeting, female flight attendant
Williams rescued the situation with her depth of knowledge of local culture.
Her rendition of the Fertility Dancing Maiden in the foyer's 'Pool of
Remembrance' was nothing short of breathtaking. Normally this dance is
performed wearing just a sarong skirt so FFA Williams' extra step to nature
was a bold step forward. Unfortunately, during one intricate step, FFA
Williams slipped and fell beneath the fountain, so we were lucky that S/0
Brown, who had the great presence of mind to strip to avoid getting his
uniform wet, leapt in to help.
That the tiles of the pool were slippery is beyond dispute, as it took
nearly ten minutes of threshing about before S/O Brown could actually
complete his rescue. Such concern was there for these two exemplary crew
member's safety, that the rest of the crew were forced to assist, and I deny
that this massed altruistic rescue attempt could be construed as a 'Water
Polo' game! This slanderous accusation was first put to me by the Chief of
the Riot Squad, whose storm troopers had apparently been called by some over
zealous Fascists at the cocktail party.
Order had nearly been restored when the fire started. I prefer F/O Smith's
version of events that the drapes had caught fire from being against a light
fitting, and that he dropped his cigarette lighter whilst trying to escape
the flames. Had host management fulfilled their responsibilities and used
fire retardant material instead of velvet, the fire would not have spread to
the rest of the hotel. The responsible attitude shown by my crew in
assisting the bar staff to carry out drinks from the cocktail party is to be
commended, not condemned, and the attempt by male members of the crew to
extinguish pockets of fire using natural means has been totally
misrepresented in some quarters. I cannot overstate how strongly I resent
the assertions made in the Chief Fire Officer's report.
I made an official protest about these matters when the head of the
Australian Legation visited us at the Police Station the next morning.
However, not only did Ambassador Jones not attempt to refute the
preposterous allegations made against me and my crew, but also by failing to
secure our release immediately, caused the subsequent aircraft delay. I did
not know Her Majesty was to be aboard our aircraft, but I am sure that her
12-hour visit to that country was appreciated by local dignitaries and
probably HRH herself. (I must mention that the local manager is far too
obsequious - Smarmy! Smarmy! You should have seen him bowing and scraping.
Never make a Prime Minister, that chap!)
Finally, I note that not since 'Rainman' has XXX been mentioned in so many
newspapers. (Some people in XXX would die for coverage like that.) The main
newspaper at the slip port incidentally mentioned XXX 75 times on its front
page alone, although some of the coupled epithets can only be described as
the worst journalistic excesses of the gutter press.
I trust that now I have outlined the correct version of events, we may allow
ourselves a discreet smile as to the lack of social sophistication of some
of these developing nations and put all this behind us. As far as I am
concerned, the crew carried on the finest XXX traditions.
P.S. I checked amongst the language qualified members of the crew, but no
one was up to speed on Latin. Can you recommend anyone in the International
Department who could translate 'Persona Non Grata'?
Form My Son in Law (18th Nov '04)
The following questions were
set in last year's GCSE examinations. These are genuine responses (from 16
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard, and
Q: Explain one of the
processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water
safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like grit, sand, dead
sheep, and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the
leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What causes the tides in
A: The tides are a fight
between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon,
because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget
where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What guarantees may a
mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house,
they will insist you are well endowed.
Q: In a democratic society,
how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can
only happen when a male gets an election.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets
still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body
as you age?
A: When you get old, so do
your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when
he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his
boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease
associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: What is artificial
A: When the farmer does it to
the bull instead of the cow.
Q: How can you delay milk
A: Keep it in the cow. [He
got an A]
Q: How are the main parts of
the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into
three parts - the brainium, the borax the abdominal cavity. The brainium
contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the
abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, O U, and I.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
Q: What is the most common
form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent
contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the
term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a
district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal
A: When you are sick at the
Q: Give an example of a
fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always
grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.
Q: Use the word "judicious"
in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can
be soft as your face.
Q: What does the word
A: Benign is what you will be
after you be eight.
Q: What is a turbine?
Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his
Adam Takach (18th Nov '04)
boy about 12 years old walked down the street dragging a flattened
frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill
repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the
little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one
of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told
him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have
any venereal diseases?" Of course the Madam said no.
He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making
love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the
cynical Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down
the hall dragging the squashed amphibian behind him. Ten minutes later he
came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the
place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are
going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.
After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just
happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the dose
that I just caught.
When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way,
he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the dose. Then when Dad gets
home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum
will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk,
have a quickie with Mum and catch the clap, and HE'S THE BASTARD WHO RAN
OVER MY FROG
Flat Frog - Adam Takach (24th Oct '04)
A little boy about 12 years
old walked down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.
He came up to the doorstep of
a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it,
she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said,
"I want to have sex with one
of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told
him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have
any venereal diseases?"
Of course the Madam said no.
He said, "I heard all the men
talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the
girl I want."
Since the little boy was so
adamant and had the money to pay for it, the cynical Madam told him to go to
the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed
amphibian behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the
frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and
asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead
of one of the others?"
He said, Well, if you must
know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to
eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my
baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond
of cute little boys. She will then get the dose that I just caught.
When Mum and Dad get back, Dad
will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car
and he'll catch the dose. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's,
he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes
to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and
catch the clap, and HE'S THE BASTARD WHO RAN OVER MY FROG
Miller's Musings - ANGELS OF HELL FROM OZ
(10th Oct '04)
Last week I
interviewed one of the women who came from Australia to investigate the
evils of Angeles City.
She sat across from me
in Rosie's Diner and patted a carnation that wilted over her right ear. She
was large with a brawler's jaw and a wobbly set of boobs that would have
been spectacular about 20 years ago. She dumped her handbag on the floor.
"OK," she said. "Get
"That's Ms. Cretin to
"Sorry Ms. Cretin. Is
it true you got booted out of your hotel at 10 o'clock at night?"
"Bloody oath. And
right in the middle of a lesbian pissup too. Guess there musta been a snitch
in our knickers."
"Ms. Cretin, just why
did you come to the Philippines?"
She paused, and I
could see her trying to figure out if the question was serious. I stared
back into a face that wrinkled like Jell-O in a typhoon.
"What a bloody dumb
question. We came here to look into the rackets—you know, the girls and the
bars and stuff."
"You mean the girlie
them—bloody girlie bars."
"What don't you like
about the girlie bars here in Angeles?"
"The girls mostly. How
"How dare they what?"
"Flaunt it, that's
what—I mean their figures—they're disgusting."
"I beg to differ—I
think that most of the girls have beautiful figures."
"Geeze dummy, that's
the point, they do."
"You still don't get
it do you dummy? It's their figures, like china dolls—slim, taut, trim—they
show us up. They make us look like a herd of caribou—don't you think that's
I took another look at
Ms. Cretin. Her boobs were bound up in a huge elastic brassiere. A mousy
strand of hair fell across a face slashed with lipstick and aggression.
Before I could reply she went on:
"And that's not
all—look at how they walk, all poncy like cats on hot bricks wriggling those
neat little bums while we just have to plod along draggin' the lard. You
call that fair?"
"You mean you're
jealous?" Oops, that was a mistake and I ducked under a handbag that would
have taken my head clean off.
"Jealous? Me jealous?
Of course I'm not bloody jealous." She paused for breath. "We just want
justice, that's all. Equality. But there's no justice in this country. We
should have stayed at home on the dole."
"Ms. Cretin, now that
you are out on the street homeless, what are your plans?"
"Another bloody stupid
question—like whores everywhere we'll just have to drop our drawers."
I resisted an urge to
ask about the competition.
Millers Musings - Let
Stalk Strine (10th Oct '04)
After being away for 44 years
adjusting to life in the Land of OZ is not easy. One problem is the language
- I rarely understand what people are saying. For example, the other day I
was in a typical Ocker pub. At the next table there was a barge-arsed
streaky-haired blonde talking with some bloke almost as pissed as she was. I
made some notes in shorthand and when I got home I managed to transcribe
them with the help of a book called "Let Stalk Strine (Let's Talk
Australian)." In the following transcript the words in brackets are my
interpretations of the original Strine.
"I jus gunga din (I just can't get
in)," the blonde said. "I laidan me hembairg ona seat (I laid down my
handbag on a seat) at jus harps pass free anis rep bairg stole it (at just
half past three and this rat-bag stole it). Took mickey an all. (Took my key
"Mustabin orpheus rocker (He must
have been off his rocker.) I saw bat inna Sairdy's piper (I saw that in
"Digerie dabat it inna piper? (Did
you read about it in the paper?)"
"Yeah. Yeggowan to the cops? (Yes.
Are you going to the police?)"
"Oready. Gave me split nair dyke
(Already. It gave me a splitting headache)."
"Yeah, numb butter buncher drongos.
(Yes, they are nothing but a bunch of idiots)."
"I gotta ebb tide (I have got an
appetite). Garbler mince gadgeter orda semmitch anna hop eye. (In a couple
of minutes I will get you to order a sandwich and a hot pie)."
"Yeah, an eye-level arch plata baked
necks and a boller . . . (Yes, and I will have a large plate of bacon and
eggs and a bottle of . . .)."
"Yeah, an I'll get stark ender a
boller brosser pearl. (Yes, and I will get stuck into a bottle of Barrosa
"Tiger looka tim! (Take a look at
I looked up from my notetaking. They
were both staring at me. "Where cheque etcher cheek? (Where did you get your
cheek?)" the blonde screamed.
"It's all right," I replied. "I'm
just taking notes in shorthand. It's an English version called Teeline. It's
very popular in the U.K.."
They looked at each other and
finally the Blonde shook her head and said, "Zarf trawl zat dinner unerstan
a word. Aorta teach Poms to stalk rite. (After all that I didn't understand
a word. They aught to teach the English to talk right)."
I didn't have the heart to tell them
that I was born in Mudgee, Australia. They wouldn't have believed me anyway.
The Letter (20th Aug '04)
A father entered his daughter's bedroom and saw a letter on the bed. With
the worst premonition, he read it with trembling hands.
Dear Mum and Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I've eloped
with my new boyfriend. I've found real love and he is so nice. Especially
with all his piercing, scars, tattoos and his big motorcycle.
But it's not only that. I'm pregnant, and Ahmed said that we will be very
happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with
me and that's one of my dreams.
I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for
us and his friends. They're the one's providing us with all the cocaine and
ecstasy we could ever want.
In the meantime, we'll pray for science to find the AIDS cure, so Ahmed gets
better. He deserves it.
Don’t worry about money. Ahmed has arranged for me to be in films that his
friends Leroy and Jamal make in their basement. Apparently I can earn £50 a
scene. I get a £50 bonus if there are more than three men in the scene, and
an extra £100 if they use the horse.
Don't worry Mum. Now I'm 15 years old, I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'll visit you and Dad so that you can meet your grandchildren.
Your loving daughter, Aimee
p.s: Dad, it's not true. I’m watching TV at a neighbour's house. I just
wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than ENGLAND GETTING
BEAT ON F*CKING PENALTIES AGAIN.
I love you. Aimee
Aeronautical Humour - Some New - from Pete
Lipscombe.(28th July '04)
Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at
80,000 Feet and Climbing!
(Sign over the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base in Kadena, Japan).
You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.
(Paul F. Crickmore - test pilot)
The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines
in the sky.
(From an old carrier sailor)
If the wings are travelling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a
helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe
When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power
left to get you to the scene of the crash.
Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.
What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, ...the pilot dies.
Never trade luck for skill.
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh Shit!"
Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.
Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.
Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully
complete the flight.
A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is
I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.
Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!
Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the
purpose of storing dead batteries
Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person
on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.
When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.
Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on
a sunny day.
Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII:
When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavour to strike the softest,
cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible.
The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world;
...it can just barely kill you.
(Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)
A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its
(Jon McBride, astronaut)
If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash
(Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard
(Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator)
Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.
There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.
(Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and,
a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few
opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same
(Author unknown, but surely someone who's been there!)
If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.
Basic Flying Rules:
Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it.
The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground,
buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to
You know that your landing gear is
up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal
The Guys' Rules - Brian Bawcombe (28th July
We Always hear "the rules" from
the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
Please note, they are all
numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We
need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about
you leaving it down.
sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And
no, we are never going to think of it thatway.
1. Crying is blackmail
1. Ask for what you want. Let us
be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly
acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only
if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your
girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17
months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago
is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void
after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the
Victoria's Secret Girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you
probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be
interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant
the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do
something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know
best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say
whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not
need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours,
like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour.
Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be
scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and
you say "nothing," we will act like nothing' wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you
don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere,
absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're
thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such
topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men
really don't mind that? It's like camping.
The Meaning Of
Life (7th July '04
the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all
day by the door of your house
and bark at anyone who
comes in or walks past.
I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too
long to be barking. Give me
ten years and I'll give
you back the other ten." So God agreed.
On the second day God
created the monkey. God said,
"Entertain people, do monkey
tricks, make them laugh.
I'll give you a twenty-year life
The monkey said, "How boring,
monkey tricks for twenty
years? I don't think so. Dog
gave you back ten, so that's
what I'll do too, okay?"
And God agreed.
On the third day God
created the cow. God said, "You
must go to the field with the
farmer all day long and suffer
under the sun, have calves and
give milk to support the farmer.
I will give you a life span of
The cow said, "That's kind of a
tough life you want me to live
for sixty years. Let me have
twenty and I'll give back the
other forty." And God agreed
On the forth day God
created man. God said, "Eat, sleep,
play, marry and enjoy your
life. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty
years! Tell you what, I'll take
my twenty, and the forty the cow
gave back and the ten the
monkey gave back and the ten the
dog gave back, that makes
"Okay," said God, "you've
got a deal."
So that is why the first
twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and
enjoy ourselves; for the next
forty years we slave in the sun to
support our family; for the next
ten years we do monkey tricks
to entertain the grandchildren;
and for the last ten years we sit
on the front porch and bark at
Life has now been
explained to you.
Mouse Balls (29th June '04)
know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was a real memo
sent out by a computer company (IBM) to its employees in all
seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer
peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers
rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences:
Replacement of Mouse Balls
mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball
replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).
of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should
only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the
underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than
foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the
manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off
method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method.
balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can
result in sudden discharge.
completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining
optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact
the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary
keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy
The LONE Ranger (29th June '04)
The Lone Ranger and Tonto
walked into a store to buy some supplies.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the
big white horse outside? " The Lone Ranger said, "I do, Why?" The cowboy
said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was about
to die from heat exhaustion.
The Lone Ranger got water and soon Silver was starting to feel
a little better.
The Lone Ranger
turns to Tonto and said, "I want you to run around Silver and see if you can
create enough of a breeze to help cool him down." Tonto said, "Sure,
Kemosabe" and begins running circles around Silver.
Unable to do
anything except wait, the Lone Ranger returns to the store to finish buying
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the store and
asks, "Who owns that big white horse out side?" The Lone Ranger stands and
claims, I do, what's wrong with him this time?
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says:
I JUST LOVE THIS...
"Nothing,' but you left your Injun running."
- Beware (23rd May '04)
Weapons Of Mass
Destruction (21st May '04)
Fancy a laugh? Go into the search engine Google and
type in "weapons of mass destruction". Do not hit "Search", instead, hit
"I'm Feeling Lucky" and read the page.
Finding Nemo (19th
After the undoubted success of the movie Finding Nemo,
I hate to throw water on the accuracy of the plot. But, it seems, Nemo was
not found in Sydney Harbour. The true Nemo was actually found in Tokyo Bay.
Sorry to disappoint all you Nemo fans, especially the young ones, but the
truth has to come out. See below for proof:
Microsoft Can Go Too Far (9th May '04)
Have a look at this:
Latest From Europe
(Courtesy Jim Stuart-Menteth (14th April '04)
The European Union commissioners
have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the
preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which
was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the
British government conceded that English spelling had some room for
improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known
In the first year, "s" will be
used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this
news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will
this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing public
enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by
"f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik
akseptanse of the new spelling
kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are
possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which
have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the
horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be
reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v". During ze
fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and
similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. Und
efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst
Lipscombe (7the April '04)
A little guy is sitting at the bar
just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making
truck driver steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one
The poor little guy starts crying.
"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time", the truck driver says. "I
just can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life,"
says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept
and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to
the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance. I
grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still
in the cab. At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener.
So I came to this bar trying to work
up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the
Anon (7th April
Two women are
new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories
on how they died.
1st woman : I
froze to death.
2nd woman : How
1st woman : It
wasn't so bad.. after I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and
sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman : I
died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so
I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by
himself watching TV in the den.
1st woman : So
2nd woman : I
was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running
all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and then down in the
basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I
kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally exhausted and
stressed, I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!
1st woman : Too
bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.
Another Cowboy Joke (4th April '04)
An old cowboy sat down at the bar
and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down
next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my
whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences,
pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing
flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my
whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think
about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think
about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything
makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down
on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was,
but I just found out I'm a lesbian.
Sometimes you have
to just see the bright side of things: Foggie (4th April '04)
A bloke's wife goes missing while holidaying on the North Queensland coast.
He spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of
pretty miserable policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really
bad news, but, some good news and maybe some really good news".
"Well," says the bloke, "You'd better let me have it both barrels, what's
the bad news?"
The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young Bill
here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef.
He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear this and has a bit of a
After a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news
The sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really
good sized crays and a swag of legal muddies in and around her wetsuit, so
we've brought you your share." And he hands the bloke a sugar bag with a
couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.
"Geez thanks. They're
bloody beaut, I guess it's an ill wind and all that.
Now, what's the really good news?"
"Well", the Sarge says, "me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11
o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!....you fancy
comin' with us?"
Prince Phillip Quotes
(28th March '04)
Dear Old Phil the Greek, everybody loves him. A natural leader? Well, you
could say that most would only follow him out of idle curiosity. But, a
definite penchant for engaging mouth before brain -
1967 - When asked if he would like to visit the Soviet Union) "The
bastards murdered half my family.."
1981 - A comment during the UK's recession) "Everybody was saying we must
have more leisure. Now they are complaining they are unemployed.."
1982 - To Solomon Islanders, on being told that their population growth
was 5% a year) "You must be out of your minds.."
1984 - On receiving a gift from a Kenyan native woman) "You are a woman
1986 - To a group of British students in China) "If you stay here much
longer you'll all be slitty-eyed.."
To a Cayman Islander "Aren't most of you descended from pirates?.."
1990 - To a British ex-pat in Hungary) "You can't have been here that
long, you haven't got a pot-belly yet.."
1995 - To a Scottish driving instructor in Oban) "How do you keep the
natives off the booze for long enough to pass their test?.."
1998 - To a student who'd trekked in Papua New Guinea) "You managed not
to get eaten then?.."
1999 - On seeing a fuse box while being shown around an Edinburgh
factory) "It looks as though it was put in by an Indian.."
2002 - To a school band in Cairns, Australia) "You were playing your
instruments weren't you?, or do you have tape recorders under your seats?.."
2002 - To an Aboriginal man on Australia's Tjapukai Aboriginal Cultural
Park) "Do you still throw spears at each other..?
2002 - Commenting during the Jubilee tour) "If you travel as much as we
do you appreciate how much more comfortable aircraft have become. Unless you
travel in something called economy class, which sounds ghastly.."
2002 - Commenting on the London traffic debate, after mayor Ken
Livingstone forced through his plan to charge motorists £5 to enter the
city) "The problem with London is the tourists. They cause the congestion.
If we could just stop tourism we could stop the congestion.."
Summer 2002 - Aboard the floating restaurant 'Il Punto' on the river
Orwell in Ipswich, after thoroughly enjoying an excellent full English
breakfast) "French cooking's all very well, but they can't do a decent
English breakfast.." (Il Punto is owned by Frenchman Regis Crepy..)
2003 - visiting a school, asking a tubby little boy what he wanted to be
when he grows up, and being told, 'an astronaut') "You'll have to lose a bit
of weight first.."
From Adam Tachach (19th March '04)
Don't know that I like this very much, but since I'm a
magnanimous person, I'll let it slip in for a couple of hours - G.
Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much it is for a tooth extraction.
for an extraction sir" was the dentist's reply.
huv ye no got anythin' cheaper" replies the Scotsman getting agitated.
that's the normal charge for an extraction sir" said the dentist.
about if ye din't use any anesthetic?" asked the Scotsman hopefully.
it's highly unusual sir, could be quite painful, but if that's what you
want, I suppose I can do it for $70" said the dentist.
what about if yer used one of your dentist trainees and still without
anesthetic" said the Scotsman.
it's possible but they are only training and I can't guarantee their level
of professionalism and it'll be a lot more painful. I suppose in that case
we can bring the price down to say $40" said the dentist.
that's still a bit much, how about if ye make it a trainin' session and have
yer student do the extraction and the other students watchin' and learnin"
said the Scotsman hopefully
well OK it'll be good for the students I suppose, I'll charge you only $5 in
that case" said the dentist
now yer talkin'laddie! It's a deal" said the Scotsman. "Can yoo confirm an
appointment for the wife on Tuesday?"
My romantic history - Anon. (19th March '04)
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I
needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything
was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened
suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally
predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that
decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 26 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She
rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad
impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun
initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl
with some real ambition.
When I turned 28, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced
me and took everything I owned.
I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits
Colin Cox's Dog Called Sex (11th
Everybody I know who has a dog
usually calls them "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been
very embarrassing to me. When I went to the Council Offices to renew the
dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He
said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He
said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ...
I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been
quite advanced for your years." When I decided to get married, I told the
vicar that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until
after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my
life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear
about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him
everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married
at a Registry Office. My family have never been allowed to go to church ever
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we
checked into the motel, I told the receptionist that I wanted a room for me
and my wife and a special room for Sex. She said that every room in the
motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me
awake at night." The receptionist said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the
dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I
told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should
have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have
Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the
dog. I said, "Your Honour, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me
after I was married." The Judge said, "Same here!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her.
A policeman came over and asked me what I was doing down a dark alleyway at
4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." My case comes up
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles
with that dog than I ever foresaw. Just the other day when I went for my
first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the
trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has
left me for ever. I can't live any longer being so lonely." Do you know what
the psychiatrist said? She told me that I had to get a grip and understand
that sex isn't a man's best friend so go out and get myself a dog!
Foggie's On Form (5th March '04)
VS Old Age !!!!
80-year old guy goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at
what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great
a golfer," says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up
well before daylight."
"Well," ways the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to
it. How old was your dad when he died?"
said my dad's dead?"
doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive?
How old is he?"
"He's 100 years old," says the old golfer. "In fact, he golfed with me this
morning, and that's why he's still alive... he's a golfer too."
"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than
that. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
said my grandpa's dead?"
Stunned, doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's
still living! Just how old is he anyway?"
"He's 118 years old," says the old golfer.
doctor is getting frustrated at this point and says, "So, I guess he went
golfing with you this morning too?"
"No... Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."
doctor can hardly believe it. "Got married!! Why in the hell would a
118-year-old guy want to get married?"
said he wanted to?"
First Joke, First Prize - Rog Stuart
(30th Feb '04)
the best "singles ads" ever read.
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship,
very good looking girl who
LOVES to play.
long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and
fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners
will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me
respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only
what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours.
and ask for Daisy.
. . . . .
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the
Humane Society about an 8 week old black Labrador retriever.
Men are so easy.
Telephone help line
transcript: Enjoy (15/06/2015)
Ever get p&£%%*& off with
automatic telephone responses:
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline...
If you are
obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent,
please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line
so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you
which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press; no
one will answer.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number,
date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or
before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory
loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have
short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too
busy to talk to you.
If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't
be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, please don't press any buttons; you'll just mess it up.