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06/23/08

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Welcome to your Humour page.

I know, I know, I know, it's been missing since the advent of the new site, I've had hundreds of complaints (two, at least). So here it is, it's up to you. A lot of you were as funny as a bucket full of bums when I flew with you, so it's time to shine again!!!

 

 

 

MURPHY'S OTHER 15 LAWS... Dave Baker (23rd June '08)




1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 


2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. 


3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.


4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night. 


5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 


6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. 


7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.


8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. 


9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them. 


10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. 


11. The things that come to those that wait, may be the things left by those who got there first. 


12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer. 


13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.


14 . The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark.


15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

 

 

Business Deal - Pete Jerdan (19th April '08)

 

KNOWING THAT YOU ARE A PERSON WHO IS ALWAYS INTERESTED IN AN OPPORTUNITY FOR INVESTMENT, YOU MAY BE INTERESTED IN THIS PROPOSITION…

A group of us are considering investing in a large cat ranch near Tenant Creek, NT. It is our purpose to start rather small, about one million cats. Each cat averages about twelve kittens each year and skins can be sold for about 20c for the white ones and up to about 40c for the black.This will give us 12 million cat skins per year to sell at an average price of around 32c, making our revenue about $3 million per year. This averages out to about $10,000 pet day – excluding Sundays and holidays. A good Aroriginal cat man can skin about fifty cats per day at a wage of $3.15 per day plus keep. It will only take 663 men to operate the ranch so that the net profit is over $8,200 per day…

Now the cats would be fed on rats – exclusively. Rats multiply four times as fast as cats. We would start a rat farm adjacent to our cat ranch. If we start with a million rats, we will have four rats per cat each day.The rats will be fed on the carcasses of the cats that we skin. This will give each rat a quarter of a cat.

You can see that this business is a clean operation, self-supporting and automatic throughtout. The cats eat the rats, the rats eat the cats and we get the skins.

Let me know if you’re interested. As you can imagine, I’m rather particular who I want to get into this and want the fewest inversors possible.

Eventually, it is my hope to cross the cats with snakes as they will skin themselves twice a year. This will save on labour costs for skinning as well as giving two skins for one cat.

CAT AND RAT RANCH – Please disregard this proposition as the latest one, hot off the press, is an OWL AND ROOSTER FARM…We are working on crossing a rooster with an owl to establish a cock that will stay up all night…

 

 

Generics! - Courtesy Mike Bradley (19th Jan '08)


In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen.
Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called  Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a  mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and  just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky
boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

 

Dr Seuss or Dr Gauss - Foggie (14th Jan '08)

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!

 

Nursery Rhymes we didn't have as kids - Courtesy MHE (5th Dec '07)?

 

Mary had a little pig,

She kept it fat and plastered;

And when the price of pork went up,

She shot the little b*****d.

***

Mary had a little lamb.

Her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her,

Between two hunks of bread.

***

Jack and Jill went up the hill

To have a little fun.

Stupid Jill forgot the pill

And now they have a son.

***

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.

Said Simple Simon to the pie man,

"What have you got there?"

Said the pie man unto Simon,

"Pies, you dumb ***"

***

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the kings' horses,

And all the kings' men.

Had scrambled eggs, for breakfast again.

***

Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,

All over the bedside clock.

The little dog laughed to see such fun.

Then died of electric shock.

***

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,

Kissed the girls and made them cry.

And when the boys came out to play,

He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

***

There was a little girl who had a little curl

Right in the middle of her forehead.

When she was good, she was very, very good.

But when she was bad........

She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

 

Bring Some Calmness Into Your Life (17th Oct '07)

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice that I heard on a Medical TV show, I have at last finally found inner peace.

A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish off all the things you have started but not finished.

So, this morning I looked around the house to identify all unfinished tasks. In the course of my therapy, I finished off 19 Benson & Hedges, a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the rest of the Chesescke an a bax a cholates. Yu haf no idr who gud I fel. Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece. (Hic)

 

Subject: Pre-takeoff Announcement on a China Southern Airlines Flight (2nd July '07)

This is a true account of what was heard on a recent flight from Shenzhen to Qingtao by China Southern Airlines:

"Good afternoon, Ladies and the German. This is your cheap purser Wang Lui speaking. On behalf of China Sudden Airlines, I would like to welcome you on board our Bowling 737 from Shenzhen to Qingtao.

Members of my crew speak Chinese and other languages that you do not know.

It is a great pressure serving you to-die. Should you need any resistance during the fright, peace do pest the call button. I and my gals are available to make you feel comfortable.

Meanwhile, the airkwaft is going to fry. Peace sit upright and keep you belt tightly fastened until dinner is served at five dirty p.m. Hope you would enjoy your fright with us.

 

Famous Sexy Quotes - Jim (S&M) Menteth  (20th May '07)

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."

Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant." George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'." Jerry Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams

" It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." Joan Rivers

" Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy." Steve Martin

" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life." Elmo Phillips

" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde

" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."

George Burns

 

Fosters (20th May '07)

An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian barmaid. As she takes his order - aFoster's - she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place.

Although attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him. As she is travelling around the world, and short of funds, she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again. Again orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she'll sleep with him again for $200. Remembering the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights.

On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention, maybe she can shake some more Australian dollars out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him and asks where he's from in Australia.

"Melbourne", he tells her. "So am I. What suburb?" she enquires. "Glen Iris" he replies. "That's amazing," she says excitedly, "so am I - what street?" "Cameo Street" he replies. "This is unbelievable........." she says, her voice quavering; "What number?" "Number 20", he replies.

She is totally astonished. "You are NOT going to believe this," she screams, "but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!!"

"Yeah, I know..." he says, "Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you"

HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN, THINKS AUSTRALIAN....

 

Career Path of an Airline Pilot - Pete Jerdan (20th May '07)

30 years old: Join Company. World is your Oyster.

31 years: Buy Flashy Car, House and lots of toys.

32 years: Divorce boring first wife. Pay Child support and maintenance whilst looking for second wife. Drink lots of beer and screw around whilst looking for second wife.

33 years: Repeat as above for a few more years.

36 years: Marry young spunky 25 year old virgin flight attendant.

37 years: Buy another house. Gave first one to wife 1.

38 years: Give in to second wife to have more kids. Father again.

39 years: Now a Captain. Hooray! Upgrade house and buy boat and flashier cars.

42 years: Wife two runs off with wealthy banker but still wants share of house (100%).

43 years: Settle with wife and resolve to stay away from women forever. Seek appointment as Check Captain to have something to do. Move into two Bed Apartment.

50 years: Meet sexy singer on a trip. She loves you and says you are very "beeeg".

51 years: Marry sexy singer. Buy big house, boat and upgrade cars.

52 years: Sexy singer wants kids (not again). Resolve to get vasectomy.

54 years: Try to talk wife out of kids but hey presto she's pregnant. Says got sick after taking pill. Accident, sorry, won't happen again.

55 years: Father of triplets.

56 years: Wife wants very big house, bigger boat and very flashy cars. Give in.

57 years: Make rash investments to try and have enough money for retirement.

59 Years: Lose money on rash investments and get audited by tax department.

60 Years: Wife three says you too old and no fun. Leaves. Takes most of your assets.

61 Years: Now Captain on a non-sked 727 and living in 1 bedroom apartment underneath the approach to Miami International Airport.

65 Years: Lose medical and get job as sim instructor. Look forward to years of getting up at 1 AM.

70 years: Alarm clock goes off at 1 AM. Have heart attack and die.

Happy at last!

 

GOLFING NUN (20th May '07)
 

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother.

"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sig ht, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said..."You missed the ****ing putt, didn't you?"

 

Courtesy Dave Baker (20th May '07) Dog and Cat Diary
 
 
The Dog's Diary:

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!



The Cat's Diary:

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was
placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe....for now...

 

Courtesy Mike West (6th April '07)

Interesting Year 1981

1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope Died.

Interesting Year 2005

1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope Died.

Suggestion:   Next time Charles contemplates re-marrying, someone give the Pope a call.....

 

Courtesy Pete Jackson (6th April '07)

WUN

Tom was in his early 50's, retired and started a second career.

However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day, 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, real sharp, so the Boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called him into the office for a talk.

"Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but you're being late so often is quite bothersome.'

"Yes, I know Boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the Air Force. What did they say if you came in late there?"

They said, "Good morning, General."

 

TOO

A career military man, who had retired as a Master Sergeant, was telling the new recruits how he handled officers during his years of service.

"It didn't matter a hoot if he was a full bird colonel, Major General, an Admiral, or what! I always told those guys exactly where to get off."

"Wow, you must have been something," the admiring young soldiers remarked.

"What was your job in the service?"

"Elevator operator in the Pentagon."

 

Courtesy Mike West (2nd April '07)

 

1. NAMES If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.

A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need, but it was on sale.

4. BATHROOMS A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Hilton.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 237. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

6. CATS Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

10. DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the rubbish, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears, hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

AND FINALLY.... A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a small farm wuth a mule and four pigs in the field. The husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

'Yes,' replied the wife - 'in-laws.'

 

Courtesy David Baker (14th Jan '07)

An Admiral and an Air Commodore were sitting in their club, late at night, with too many whiskies inside them....

The Admiral turns to the Air Commodore and slurs..."I say, old chap, when did you last have sex..?"

To which, the Air Commodore slurs back "Oh, I don't know; about 1948"

The Admiral wakes up, stares him in the face, and says "My God that's an awful long time ago!"

At which the Air Commodore looks at his watch and says, "Oh I don't think so old chap, it's only 23:37 now!

(Obviously an ex fighter pilot!)

 

LANGUAGE PROBLEMS - Me (12th Jan '07)


 
A Polish man moved to Ireland and married a Irish girl.
 
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well
until one day he rushed in a lawyer's office and asked him if he could
arrange a divorce for him.
 
The lawyer said getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances
and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds? Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
 
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? It made of concrete.
 
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge? No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean, how are your relations? All my relations still in Poland.
 
Is there infidelity in your marriage? We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
 
Does your wife beat you up? No, I always up before her.
 
Is your wife a nagger? No, she white.
 
Why do you want this divorce? She going to kill me.
 
What makes you think that? I got proof.
 
What kind of proof? She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at pharmacy and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover."

 

Monkey Business - Mike West (29th Nov '06)

A fellow walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display.

While he was there, a Chief Petty Officer from the local Naval Air Station walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'd like a line service monkey, please."

The clerk nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it to the Chief, saying, "That'll be £1,000." The Chief paid and left with the monkey.

Surprised, the fellow went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey - most of them are only a few hundred pounds. Why did that one cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah - that was a line service monkey. He can park, fuel, and service all Naval aircraft, conduct all required ground ops testing, rig aircraft flight controls, and all with no mistakes. He's also trained in all carrier flight deck ops. He's well worth the money."

With increasing interest, the guy looked around and spotted a monkey in another cage with a £10,000 price tag. "That one's even more expensive! What can it do?"

"Oh, that one's a "Maintenance Supervisor" monkey. She can instruct at all levels of aircraft maintenance, supervise all corrective and preventive maintenance programs, supervise a crew of Maintainers, and even do most of the paperwork. A very useful
monkey indeed," replied the shopkeeper.

The guy looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. The price tag read, "£50,000". Holy shit!  What does this one do?"

"Well", the shopkeeper said, "I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer, screw the girl monkeys, and play with his pecker.    But his papers say that he's a licenced pilot....."

 

Barbie Time (15th Nov '06)

No kidding, the following was extracted from a Hartlepool newspaper:

I was waiting as customer services in Asda and the woman in front was returning a disposable barbeque.

When asked why, she replied that when she'd opened it there was no meat in it.

The shop assistant patiently explained that the barbeque was simply to cook the meat it didn't include. The customer looked very embarrassed indeed.

Anyway, the assistant looked at her receipt and asked "There are three barbeques on here, are you returning the other two as well?"

"I can't" said the woman. "They're at home in the freezer".

 

By all Means... MARRY! - Sorry Ladies (23rd Oct '06)

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?

Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Anonymous

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Henny Youngman

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

Sam Kinison

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.

James Holt McGavran

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.

Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it - once...

Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

 

Courtesy - Mike Hardy (23rd Oct '06)

 

To commemorate her 69th birthday Julie Andrews made a
special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP.

One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favourite Things"
from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music." However, the lyrics of the song were deliberately
changed for the entertainment of her "blue rinse" audience. Here are the lyrics she recited:

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,

Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,

Bundles of magazines tied up with string,

These are a few of my favourite things.

Cadillac's, cataract s, hearing aids and glasses,

Polident, Fixodent and dentures and glasses,
 
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favourite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,

No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,

Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin,'
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',

And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,

When we remember our favourite things.

 When the joints ache,
 When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
THEN I REMEMBER THE GREAT LIFE I'VE HAD,
AND THEN I DON'T FEEL SO BAD.

 

 

Courtesy - Ann Lovegrove (7th Sept '06)

Smart Ass Smart Ass Answer #1:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

Smart Ass Answer #2:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Smart Ass Answer #3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Smart Ass Answer #4:
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles, Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,"Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Smart Ass Answer 5:
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
 

 

American Courts (16th Aug '06)

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?

A: No, I just lie there.

 

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July 15th. Q: What year?

A: Every year.

 

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

 

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And ! in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

 

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

 

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Doris?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

 

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

 

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

 

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

 

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

 

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

 

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

 

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male or a female?

 

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, ! this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

 

Your Weather - Ann Lovegrove (14th Aug '06)

If you're planning a trip, look outside. If the sky looks like this, forget the trip and grab a novel!

Noah in 2006 - Anne Lovegrove (2nd Aug '06)

In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environment alists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.

They insis! ted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card sta tus of most of the people who want to work.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

 

They walk among us- Foggie (21st July '06)
 

YES SOME ARE REALLY JUST THIS DUMB........ Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it. Caution... They Walk Among Us

===================

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff." They Walk Among Us!

===================

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" . . They Walk Among Us!

===================

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving" They Walk Among Us!

===================

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk... They Walk Among Us!

===================

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.... They Walk Among Us!

===================

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned... They Walk Among Us!

===================

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?" They Walk Among Us!

===================

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces. Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.

===================

*They walk among us, AND reproduce!

 

Humour, Yeah, But Ain't It The Truth - Courtesy Mike Hardy (20th July '06)

 

bullet

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

 

bullet

An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

          "Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me. your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

bullet

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
 

bullet

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
 

bullet

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.Ah, being young is beautiful,but being old is comfortable.
 

bullet

If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
 

bullet

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
 

bullet

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft..

Today, it's called golf
 

bullet

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.

          The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

          The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

          The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?" The second old guy says:

          "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big bust, and is wearing short shorts.

          "What does your wife look like?" To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours."
 

bullet

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive. So I took her to a gas station - $$$$$
                                                

bullet

Lord,

Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

 

Teddy Bears - Brian (19th July '06)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up
leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom! Where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, and more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"

The guy warmly smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says: "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."

 

Courtesy Pete Lipscombe (16th July '06)

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood & began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to piss off & let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

OK, follow me", he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went across a river & into a huge forest.

Finally he slowed down & all other bats excitedly milled around him,tongues hanging out for blood.

"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.

"YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good!" said the first bat, because I f/*g didn't!"

 

I Love This One (11th July '06)

A man worked all life, saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my wealth to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him, faithfully that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
 

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait a minute!" She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

Her friend said, "I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied "Listen, I'm a Christian; I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him, so that's what I did."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did" said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque - if he can cash it, he can spend it."

 

A Couple From Ann Lovegrove (1st July '06)

A Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach. He is playing in the water and she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading.

The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. Swept away.

She raises her hands to the sky as she screams and cries, "Lord, how could you? Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother? Haven't I been a wonderful mother? Haven't I kept a kosher home? Haven't I given to B'nai B'rith? Haven't I given to Hadassah? Haven't I lit candles every Friday night? Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?"

A voice booms from the sky, "Okay, okay!"

A few minutes later, another hu ge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there, smiling and splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.

The voice booms again. "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"

She responds, "He had a hat."

 

SHARING THE SUNSET YEARS

An elderly couple visits McDonalds. He orders one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them.

As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man says they are just fine - they are used to sharing everything. The surrounding people notice the little old lady hasn't eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally takes turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman says, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything." As the old man finishes and is wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who has yet to eat a single bite of food and asks, "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answers....

.

 

 

 

 

 

"THE TEETH"

 

It Has To Be Foggie (16th June '06)

 

Seems appropriate to recycle this old list of jokes on the eve of some little sports comp that's about to kick off in Europe somewhere.

Q: Why aren't the English football team allowed to own a dog? A: Because they can't hold on to a lead.

Q: What's the difference between the England team and a tea-bag? A: The tea-bag stays in the cup longer.

Q: What is common between a 3-pin plug and the English football team? A: They are both useless in Europe!

Q: What's the difference between O J Simpson and England? A: OJ Simpson had a more credible defence

Rumours that David Beckham was seen successfully seducing a young woman in a Spanish nightclub with a one-liner have been completely refuted by the English FA. Adam Crozier, chief publicity officer stated: "I find it totally preposterous to suggest that one of our players could make a successful pass to or at anyone."

Q. What's the difference between the English and a jet engine?

A. A jet engine eventually stops whining.

Q. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and Jimmy Hill. You have a gun with two bullets. What do you do?

A. Shoot Jimmy Hill - twice.

Q. What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead English football fan on the road?

A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q. What do English football fans and sperm have in common?

A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q. Why should you never swerve to hit an English football fan on a bicycle?

A. It could be your bicycle.

Four surgeons are taking a coffee break. The first one says, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up everything inside them is numbered." The second surgeon says, "Nah, librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order." Third surgeon says, "Try electricians. Everything inside them is colour-coded." The fourth one says, "I prefer English football fans. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and arses are interchangeable."

Did you hear about the UK politician who was found dead in an English football jersey? The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in order to save his family from the embarrassment.

Did you hear that the UK Post Office has had to recall their latest stamps with pictures of English football players on them. People couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Q. What do you do when 100 English football fans are buried up to their necks in sand?

A. Get more sand
 

 

Humorous or No - Courtesy Alan Miller (10th June '06)

 

If you can raed this, you have a sgtrane mnid, too.
Can you raed this? Olny 55 plepoe tuo of 100 anc.
I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg.
The Phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are,
The Olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit
Pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a
Pboerlm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef,
But the Word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was
Ipmorantt!

 

Priceless (29th May '06)

 

This is just so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A relative died this past January, and Citibank billed her for January and February for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now it was somewhere around $60.00.

I placed a call to Citibank:

Me:         "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me:          "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Citibank:  "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."

Me:          “So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank:  "Either report her account to the frauds ! division or report her to the    credit bureau, maybe both!"

Me:          "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Citibank:  "Excuse me?"

Me:          "Did you just get what I was telling you--The part about her being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Me:         "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me:          "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: (Stammer). "Are you her lawyer?"

Me:         "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Me:        "Sure." (Fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Me:         "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."

Me:         "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank: "That might help."

Me:         "Odessa Memorial Cemetery
                   Hwy 129,
                   Plot number 6 9
                   Odessa, Texas."

Citibank: "But Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Me:         "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

 

Courtesy Russ McDermid (20th May '06)

Subject: A New Key To Success?

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L -S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S -I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+ 9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

 

Some People Will Go to Any Lengths!

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you okay?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded and said, "Pepper!"

 

Courtesy Ann Lovegrove (24th May '06)

Subject: For all of you who have been there and needed one.........


finally a place to buy them...
 

 

More from Evil (not so evil Ned) (14th April '06)

1.

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said; "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
 
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
 
The pharmacist eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!  I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.  Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide.”
 
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
 
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

2.

Where did pets come from?

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where did pets come from?"

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, “I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, “I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well." 

And God said, “I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

*
*
*
*
*
*
*
 

And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.

 

 

Foggie and Evil Ned (16th April '06)

Received the following from the above separated by a couple of nano seconds. Thanks to both.

The manager of Liverpool FC sends scouts out round the World looking for a new striker to hopefully win Liverpool the title. One of his scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. So the manager flies to Iraq to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield. Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down at home with only twenty minutes left, and Liverpool's manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod to go on. The lad is a sensation, scores five goals in twenty minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When he comes off the pitch he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in English football. "Hi Mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for twenty minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored five and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the players and the media, they all love me." "Great," says his Mum, "now let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time." The young lad is very upset. "What can I say Mum, but I'm so sorry". "Sorry?!?" says his Mum. "It's your f#$^&%ng fault that we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"

 

A Clean One for a change!!! (8th April '06)

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "HeyDoc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic wasworking on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So, Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...............................................................


"Try doing it with the engine running."

 

Could Not Resist This One (7th March '06)

 
Two tourists were driving through Wales.
 
At a town called Llanfairpwllgwyngllgogerychwryndrobwllyantsllyogogogoch. they stopped for lunch.
 
One tourist asked the waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"
 
The blonde waitress leaned over and in clear, slow dulcet tone said. 
“Burrr-gurrr-Kinngg..”.

 

LIFE IN THE AUSTRALIAN ARMY (7th Feb '06)

Don't know where I got this one, I can't take the credit, but it's a hoot

 

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town west  of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland.)

 

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope  youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on  the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!

I wuz a bit  slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make  ya bed and shine  ya boots and clean ya uniform.

No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack -  nothin'!!  Blokes has gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum  makes.

You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city  boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez, its only just like  walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will  kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno  why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move  and its not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable  and hit the target - its a piece of piss!! You don't even hafta load your own  cartridges - they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they breakeasy - it's not like  fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steveand Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only  been beaten by this one bloke from  the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15  stone and three pickhandles across the shoulders, and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and  eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried  me off to the boozer.

I can't complain  about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good  it is.

Your loving daughter,

Jill

 

Foggie's Back

After a considerable absence my mail "Humour Correspondant" has returned. For you entertainment and edification here are a couple of his latest:

One

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in

the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

 

Two

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These questions and answers are from the days when the "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions.

Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

 

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

 

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

 

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

 

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

 

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

 

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

 

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

 

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

 

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

 

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

 

Q In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

 

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

 

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

 

Q. Can boys join the CampFire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

 

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

 

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

 

Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

 

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

 

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

 

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

 

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

 

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

 

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh

 

 

TOO EMBARRASSED - Foggie (23rd Sept '05)

I could not resist this one - G

Billy was at school this morning in the outback and the teacher asked all the children what there fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came out, Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Chippy, Captain of Industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.

 

 

 

 

 

 

SCROLL DOWN

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for Australia, but I was just too embarrassed to say."

 

 

Sad News Indeed (15th Sept '06)

It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news: Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he was still a crusty old man and was considered a roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly dad, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes. If this made you smile for even a brief second, please take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else that kneads it.

 

Computerspeak From An Old Friend M.H.E. (4th July '05)

01. Home is where you hang your @.

02. The email of the species is more deadly than the mail.

03. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

04. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

05. Great groups from little icons grow.

06. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

07. In some places, C:\ is the root of all directories.

08. Oh, what a tangled Website we weave when first we practice.

09. Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.

10. The modem is the message.

11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.

12. The geek shall inherit the earth.

13. Don't byte off more than you can view.

14. Fax is stranger than fiction.

15. What boots up, must come down.

16. Windows will never cease.

17. Virtual reality is its own reward.

18. Modulation in all things.

19. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to use the Net and he won't    bother you for weeks.

20. There's no place like your homepage.

 

Could Not Resist This One (2nd June '05)

President Bush was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes.

They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy".

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and A tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy".

" No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the room.

 "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand.

In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs. Bush was struck by a friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

Well," said the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a  f %&*&% accident either."

 

Lawyers (2nd June '05)

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks.  The bookkeeper is deaf.  It was considered an occupational benefit and why he got the job in the first place since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing 10 million he brings along his attorney who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back "I don't know what you are talking about".

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about".

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it and says "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!".

The bookkeeper signs back: "Okay!  You win!   The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens ".

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well what'd he say?"

The attorney replies "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger".

(Don't you just love lawyers?).

 

Millers Musings (2nd Jan '05)

Maybe this should have been in the Articles Page - G

The Bible Cops

"What caliber Bible you carry?" Police Officer Niño asked.

"I got the heavy caliber hard cover. It'll knock a man over at 20 feet. You?" Officer Fernandez said.

Officer Niño hoisted a Bible on an outstretched palm. "This is the lightweight caliber. Doesn't have the grunt of your heavyweight but it's much quicker on the draw."

They climbed into the patrol car and pulled out into the traffic on Roxas Boulevard.

"Read me the one about the poofs " Officer Niño said.

Officer Fernandez flipped through the pages of his Bible. "This is my favorite," he said. "Leviticus 20:13. ‘If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination, they shall surely be put to death.’"

"Way to go," Niño said. "Get rid of those poofta's once and for all. Hey, there's two now."

He pulled the car over to the kerb outside the Manila Yacht Club and they both climbed out.

"Hey you," Officer Niño shouted. "Where you going?"

Two well-dressed young men in their early 20's turned. "You talking to us?" one asked.

"You bet I'm talking to you. Where you think you're going?"

"The yacht club," the young man said.

"I been watching you walk. You don't walk, you mince. You both poofta's, right?"

"What's a poofta?" the young man asked.

"Don’t kid me. You know what - gays, bakla's, woofta's. OK poofs, we gonna read you stuff from the Bible. OK Officer Fernandez, read them the Leviticus one about poofs."

Officer Fernandez started reading, "If a man also lie with mankind—“

“I’m Muslim,” the young man said. He looked at his companion. "These guys are nuts. Let's get out of here." They turned and started walking toward the yacht club when Officer Fernandez stepped forward. With a backhand sweep of his hard covered Bible he belted the young man over the left ear. The young man let out a scream and dropped to his knees clutching his ear, blood oozing between his fingers.

"Hey, Fernandez, what a shot!” Officer Niño said. “That heavy caliber of yours belts out a real Bible bashing!"

*********

On June 7, 2003 the Inquirer reported:

FIRST it was drug tests for cops. Now the Department of Interior and Local Government wants Metro Manila policemen to read and, if necessary, carry the Bible in their work.

DILG Secretary Jose Lina Jr. Saturday gave free Bibles to members of the Central Police District in an apparent bid to counter the reported negative effects of the mandatory drug tests policemen are required to undergo. Lina said they hoped that the free Bibles would "uplift the spiritual morale of our policemen in the way of God. . . ."  

Lina also announced the formation of Strike Force Nehemiah which would implement a plan for policemen to read the Bible regularly and to make its teachings "more meaningful and spiritually uplifting

 

Hi People (8th Dec '04)

Christmas is almost upon us, again, along with the interminable festive jokes. The following for your edification:

 

OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY (anon)

 

December 1 TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's  Open Pit Barbecue. There will be  lots of spiked eggnog and a small band  playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree!

Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

 

December 2nd TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that, Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year).

However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."

The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

 

December 3rd TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore.

In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.

Patty Lewis, Human Researchers Director

 

December 7th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now? 

Patty Lewis, Human Racehorses Director

 

December 9th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

People! People! Nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."

Patty Lewis, Human Ratraces

 

December 10th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Vegetarians! I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now...Ha!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?

The Bitch from Hell

 

December 14th TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness.

I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

 

 The Xmas Angel - Peter Lipscombe

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems.............problems everywhere.

Four of his elves got sick and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.  Then  Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mother was coming to visit.

This stressed Santa even more.  When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.  More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.  So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whisky.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink.  In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.  He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.                                             

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cursed on his way to the door.  He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas Santa. Isn’t it such a lovely day?  I have a beautiful tree for you.  Isn’t it such a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?’

Thus began the  tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree!

 

 

Kids comments on the sea - Foggie (8th Dec '04)

Some school kids were asked to draw pictures relating to the sea and >also give their personal comments....

Kelly age 6. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.

James age 6. Oysters balls are called pearls.

Peter age 6. I don't like the sea. It makes me sick on the ferry.

Wayne age 7. If you are surrounded by sea you are an island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent.

Kylie age 6. I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more.

Billy age 8. A dolphin breathes through an arsehole on the top of its head.

Millie age 6. My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.

William age 7. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans.

Helen age 6. I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant?

Amy age 6. I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.

Christopher age 7. Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.

Laura age 5. My mum has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish.

Kevin age 6. When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small.

Emma age 5. A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of seamen inside.

Valerie age 6. When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors.

Julie age 7. On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny.


 

 

Terry Duggan (18th Nov '04)

 Insert any airline you like, I guess!

 
The following letter is from the XXX (Airlines) Flight Operations Newsletter. The letter is from a Captain answering his Chief Pilot's  "Request for further information."

Sir,

In your icy, indeed hostile, telephone call of yesterday, you requested a report about the alleged proceedings involving my crew at the XXX's 75th Birthday celebration at the slip port. As the reports from the local authorities and the head of the Australian legation were undoubtedly a complete fabrication, I take the opportunity to put the truth of the matter on file.

XXX's management's kind offer to "buy a round of drinks" was taken on board by the crew who decided to upgrade the event to its correct status, so appropriate quantities of libation and food were purchased, with festivities being held in my hotel suite. An enjoyable evening ensued but insufficient supplies had been obtained, so several members of the crew left for further purchases at a local bar.

In a truly magnanimous gesture, ten bar girls from that establishment helped carry the beer back to the hotel. To demonstrate our appreciation of their assistance, we served them some cool drink. They then offered to show us some local culture, and, in order not to offend, we allowed them to dance some exotic dances.

The banging on the walls of my room had, by now, quite honestly, become invasive, and it was disturbing the dancers, so we arranged an amusing little deterrent. S/0 Brown's impersonation of the Police Officer was excellent! In full Qantas uniform, with an aluminum rubbish bin upside down on his head, he goose-stepped to each room and harangued the occupants with a very witty diatribe about disturbing hotel guests. I personally heard nothing of his alleged threats of life in Alcatraz or the Gulags, claimed by the sister of the Minister of Police whose room was, unluckily, next door.

I have no doubt that this woman was the sneak who called security and hotel management and I absolutely refute that the shout "Look out, here come the Indians! Circle the wagons!" was made. The simple coincidence of security arriving just as we stood the double bed on its side across the door to make the dance floor bigger is obvious. The major damage to the room occurred when a group of gate crashers, whom we could not know were hotel security, forced their way in just as most of us happened to be leaning against the bed watching the dancing.

The subsequent events in the foyer of the hotel are an equally vicious distortion of the facts. I was explaining the importance of the 75th Birthday to the General Manager of the hotel and noting that other guests were fabricating stories of noise, drinking and singing at the celebration, when F/O Smith (ex-SAS) and several other keep-fit enthusiasts, in keeping with their almost monastic pursuit of health, organised the race up the drapes which hang along the foyer wall. It says nothing for the workmanship of some of these nations that the fittings were torn from the wall before most of the crew were even halfway up. At this stage, in an amazing display of international posturing, the Governor of the city, who was attending the National Day cocktail party in the foyer, cast some denigrating remarks about Australian culture.

Although he misunderstood our gestures of greeting, female flight attendant Williams rescued the situation with her depth of knowledge of local culture. Her rendition of the Fertility Dancing Maiden in the foyer's 'Pool of Remembrance' was nothing short of breathtaking. Normally this dance is performed wearing just a sarong skirt so FFA Williams' extra step to nature was a bold step forward. Unfortunately, during one intricate step, FFA Williams slipped and fell beneath the fountain, so we were lucky that S/0 Brown, who had the great presence of mind to strip to avoid getting his uniform wet, leapt in to help.

That the tiles of the pool were slippery is beyond dispute, as it took nearly ten minutes of threshing about before S/O Brown could actually complete his rescue. Such concern was there for these two exemplary crew member's safety, that the rest of the crew were forced to assist, and I deny that this massed altruistic rescue attempt could be construed as a 'Water Polo' game! This slanderous accusation was first put to me by the Chief of the Riot Squad, whose storm troopers had apparently been called by some over zealous Fascists at the cocktail party.

Order had nearly been restored when the fire started. I prefer F/O Smith's version of events that the drapes had caught fire from being against a light fitting, and that he dropped his cigarette lighter whilst trying to escape the flames. Had host management fulfilled their responsibilities and used fire retardant material instead of velvet, the fire would not have spread to the rest of the hotel. The responsible attitude shown by my crew in assisting the bar staff to carry out drinks from the cocktail party is to be commended, not condemned, and the attempt by male members of the crew to extinguish pockets of fire using natural means has been totally misrepresented in some quarters. I cannot overstate how strongly I resent the assertions made in the Chief Fire Officer's report.

I made an official protest about these matters when the head of the Australian Legation visited us at the Police Station the next morning.  However, not only did Ambassador Jones not attempt to refute the preposterous allegations made against me and my crew, but also by failing to secure our release immediately, caused the subsequent aircraft delay. I did not know Her Majesty was to be aboard our aircraft, but I am sure that her 12-hour visit to that country was appreciated by local dignitaries and probably HRH herself. (I must mention that the local manager is far too  obsequious - Smarmy! Smarmy! You should have seen him bowing and scraping. Never make a Prime Minister, that chap!)

Finally, I note that not since 'Rainman' has XXX been mentioned in so many newspapers. (Some people in XXX would die for coverage like that.) The main newspaper at the slip port incidentally mentioned XXX 75 times on its front page alone, although some of the coupled epithets can only be described as the worst journalistic excesses of the gutter press.
I trust that now I have outlined the correct version of events, we may allow ourselves a discreet smile as to the lack of social sophistication of some of these developing nations and put all this behind us. As far as I am concerned, the crew carried on the finest XXX traditions.

Regards, Captain......

P.S. I checked amongst the language qualified members of the crew, but no one was up to speed on Latin. Can you recommend anyone in the International Department who could translate 'Persona Non Grata'?

 

 

Form My Son in Law (18th Nov '04)

The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examinations.  These are genuine responses (from 16 year olds).

Geography

Q: Name the four seasons.

A: Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep, and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?

A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?

A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon.  All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum.  I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Sociology

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?

A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?

A: Very important.  Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?

A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Biology

Q: What happens to your body as you age?

A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?

A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?

A: Keep it in the cow.  [He got an A]

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised?  (e.g. abdomen)

A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax the abdominal cavity.  The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, O U, and I.

Q: What is the Fibula?

A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?

A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?

A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."

A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?

A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?

A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus.  What is a characteristic feature?

A: Mushrooms.  They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.

English

Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.

A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?

A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Technology

Q: What is a turbine?

A: Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his

 

 Adam Takach (18th Nov '04)

 

A little boy about 12 years old walked down the street dragging a flattened
frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door.  When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.  He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.  Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.  He asked, "Do any of the girls have any venereal diseases?" Of course the Madam said no.
He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the cynical Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed amphibian behind him.  Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.  After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys.  She will then get the dose that I just caught.
When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the dose.  Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the clap, and HE'S THE BASTARD WHO RAN OVER MY FROG

 

 

Flat Frog - Adam Takach (24th Oct '04)

A little boy about 12 years old walked down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.

He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door.  When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.  He said,

"I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."


The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.  Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.  He asked, "Do any of the girls have any venereal diseases?"

Of course the Madam said no.
 

He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."
 

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the cynical Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed amphibian behind him.  Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
 

The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
 

He said, Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.  After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys.  She will then get the dose that I just caught.
 

When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the dose.  Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.
 

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the clap, and HE'S THE BASTARD WHO RAN OVER MY FROG

 

Miller's Musings - ANGELS OF HELL FROM OZ (10th Oct '04)

Last week I interviewed one of the women who came from Australia to investigate the evils of Angeles City.

She sat across from me in Rosie's Diner and patted a carnation that wilted over her right ear. She was large with a brawler's jaw and a wobbly set of boobs that would have been spectacular about 20 years ago. She dumped her handbag on the floor.

"OK," she said. "Get to it."

"Miss Cretin—"

"That's Ms. Cretin to you."

"Sorry Ms. Cretin. Is it true you got booted out of your hotel at 10 o'clock at night?"

"Bloody oath. And right in the middle of a lesbian pissup too. Guess there musta been a snitch in our knickers."

"Ms. Cretin, just why did you come to the Philippines?"

She paused, and I could see her trying to figure out if the question was serious. I stared back into a face that wrinkled like Jell-O in a typhoon.

"What a bloody dumb question. We came here to look into the rackets—you know, the girls and the bars and stuff."

"You mean the girlie bars?"

"Yeah, that's them—bloody girlie bars."

"What don't you like about the girlie bars here in Angeles?"

"The girls mostly. How dare they?"

"How dare they what?"

"Flaunt it, that's what—I mean their figures—they're disgusting."

"I beg to differ—I think that most of the girls have beautiful figures."

"Geeze dummy, that's the point, they do."

"Well—"

"You still don't get it do you dummy? It's their figures, like china dolls—slim, taut, trim—they show us up. They make us look like a herd of caribou—don't you think that's insulting?"

I took another look at Ms. Cretin. Her boobs were bound up in a huge elastic brassiere. A mousy strand of hair fell across a face slashed with lipstick and aggression. Before I could reply she went on:

"And that's not all—look at how they walk, all poncy like cats on hot bricks wriggling those neat little bums while we just have to plod along draggin' the lard. You call that fair?"

"You mean you're jealous?" Oops, that was a mistake and I ducked under a handbag that would have taken my head clean off.

"Jealous? Me jealous? Of course I'm not bloody jealous." She paused for breath. "We just want justice, that's all. Equality. But there's no justice in this country. We should have stayed at home on the dole."

"Ms. Cretin, now that you are out on the street homeless, what are your plans?"

"Another bloody stupid question—like whores everywhere we'll just have to drop our drawers."

I resisted an urge to ask about the competition.

 

Millers Musings - Let Stalk Strine (10th Oct '04)

After being away for 44 years adjusting to life in the Land of OZ is not easy. One problem is the language - I rarely understand what people are saying. For example, the other day I was in a typical Ocker pub. At the next table there was a barge-arsed streaky-haired blonde talking with some bloke almost as pissed as she was. I made some notes in shorthand and when I got home I managed to transcribe them with the help of a book called "Let Stalk Strine (Let's Talk Australian)." In the following transcript the words in brackets are my interpretations of the original Strine.

"I jus gunga din (I just can't get in)," the blonde said. "I laidan me hembairg ona seat (I laid down my handbag on a seat) at jus harps pass free anis rep bairg stole it (at just half past three and this rat-bag stole it). Took mickey an all. (Took my key and all)."

"Mustabin orpheus rocker (He must have been off his rocker.) I saw bat inna Sairdy's piper (I saw that in Saturday's paper)."

"Digerie dabat it inna piper? (Did you read about it in the paper?)"

"Yeah. Yeggowan to the cops? (Yes. Are you going to the police?)"

"Oready. Gave me split nair dyke (Already. It gave me a splitting headache)."

"Yeah, numb butter buncher drongos. (Yes, they are nothing but a bunch of idiots)."

"I gotta ebb tide (I have got an appetite). Garbler mince gadgeter orda semmitch anna hop eye. (In a couple of minutes I will get you to order a sandwich and a hot pie)."

"Yeah, an eye-level arch plata baked necks and a boller . . . (Yes, and I will have a large plate of bacon and eggs and a bottle of . . .)."

"Yeah, an I'll get stark ender a boller brosser pearl. (Yes, and I will get stuck into a bottle of Barrosa Pearl)."

"Tiger looka tim! (Take a look at him!)"

I looked up from my notetaking. They were both staring at me. "Where cheque etcher cheek? (Where did you get your cheek?)" the blonde screamed.

"It's all right," I replied. "I'm just taking notes in shorthand. It's an English version called Teeline. It's very popular in the U.K.."

They looked at each other and finally the Blonde shook her head and said, "Zarf trawl zat dinner unerstan a word. Aorta teach Poms to stalk rite. (After all that I didn't understand a word. They aught to teach the English to talk right)."

I didn't have the heart to tell them that I was born in Mudgee, Australia. They wouldn't have believed me anyway.

 

The Letter (20th Aug '04)

A father entered his daughter's bedroom and saw a letter on the bed. With the worst premonition, he read it with trembling hands.

Dear Mum and Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I've eloped with my new boyfriend. I've found real love and he is so nice. Especially with all his piercing, scars, tattoos and his big motorcycle.

But it's not only that. I'm pregnant, and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams.

I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends. They're the one's providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we could ever want.

In the meantime, we'll pray for science to find the AIDS cure, so Ahmed gets better. He deserves it.

Don’t worry about money. Ahmed has arranged for me to be in films that his friends Leroy and Jamal make in their basement. Apparently I can earn £50 a scene. I get a £50 bonus if there are more than three men in the scene, and an extra £100 if they use the horse.

Don't worry Mum. Now I'm 15 years old, I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'll visit you and Dad so that you can meet your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter, Aimee

 

Scroll Down

 

 

 

 

p.s: Dad, it's not true. I’m watching TV at a neighbour's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than ENGLAND GETTING BEAT ON F*CKING PENALTIES AGAIN. 

I love you. Aimee

 

Aeronautical Humour - Some New - from Pete Lipscombe.(28th July '04)


Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil.  For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing!
(Sign over the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base in Kadena, Japan).
-------------------------------------------------------------------
You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.
(Paul F. Crickmore - test pilot)
-----------------------------------------------------------------
The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blue water Navy truism:  There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.
(From an old carrier sailor)
------------------------------------------------------------
If the wings are travelling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe
-------------------------------------------------------------
When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.
-----------------------------------------------------------
What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, ...the pilot dies.
--------------------------------------------------------
Never trade luck for skill.
--------------------------------------------------
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh Shit!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.
-------------------------------------------------------
Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.
-------------------------------------------------------
Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.
-----------------------------------------------------------
A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.
-------------------------------------------------------
I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.
----------------------------------------------------------
Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!
------------------------------------------------------------
Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries
--------------------------------------------------------
Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.
-----------------------------------------------------------
When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.
Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII:
When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavour to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible.
-------------------------------------------------------
The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world;
...it can just barely kill you.
(Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)
---------------------------------------------------------
A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum.
(Jon McBride, astronaut)
----------------------------------------------------------
If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible.
(Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
----------------------------------------------------------
If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard down.
(Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator)
---------------------------------------------------------
Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.
-----------------------------------------------------------
There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.
(Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).
------------------------------------------------------------
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and, a good bowel movement.  The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time.
(Author unknown, but surely someone who's been there!)
--------------------------------------------------------------
If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Basic Flying Rules:
Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it.
The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal

 

The Guys' Rules - Brian Bawcombe (28th July '04)

We Always hear "the rules" from the female side.  Now here are the rules from the male side.

Please note, they are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it thatway.

1. Crying is blackmail

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!

Strong hints do not work!

Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret Girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing' wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to  discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

 

The Meaning Of Life (7th July '04

 On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who
comes in or walks past.  I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me
ten years and I'll give you back the other ten."  So God agreed.

On the second day God created the monkey.  God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh.  I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years?  I don't think so.  Dog gave you back ten, so that's
what I'll do too, okay?"  And God agreed.

On the third day God created the cow.  God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.  Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty."  And God agreed again.

On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life.  I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What?  Only twenty years!  Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "you've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

 

Mouse Balls (29th June '04)

I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was a  real memo sent out by a computer company (IBM) to its employees in all  seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer  peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences:

Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls

If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).

Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining  the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used  immediately.

It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.

 

The LONE Ranger (29th June '04)


The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a store to buy some supplies.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside? " The Lone Ranger said, "I do, Why?" The cowboy said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was about to die from heat exhaustion.

The Lone Ranger got water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto and said, "I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to help cool him down." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and begins running circles around Silver.

Unable to do anything except wait, the Lone Ranger returns to the store to finish buying their supplies.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the store and asks, "Who owns that big white horse out side?" The Lone Ranger stands and claims, I do, what's wrong with him this time?

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says:



 I JUST LOVE THIS...



"Nothing,' but you left your Injun running."

 

 

Friends Re-United - Beware (23rd May '04)

         

 

Weapons Of Mass Destruction (21st May '04)

Fancy a laugh? Go into the search engine Google and type in "weapons of mass destruction". Do not hit "Search", instead, hit "I'm Feeling Lucky" and read the page.

 

Finding Nemo (19th May '04)

After the undoubted success of the movie Finding Nemo, I hate to throw water on the accuracy of the plot. But, it seems, Nemo was not found in Sydney Harbour. The true Nemo was actually found in Tokyo Bay. Sorry to disappoint all you Nemo fans, especially the young ones, but the truth has to come out. See below for proof:

 

Sometimes Microsoft Can Go Too Far (9th May '04)

Have a look at this:
 

 

Latest From Europe (Courtesy Jim Stuart-Menteth (14th April '04)

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish.

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing public enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go. 

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst place ....

 

From Pete Lipscombe (7the April '04)

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him,  grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

The poor little guy starts crying. "Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time", the truck driver says. "I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right.  I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.  When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance.  I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener.

So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison!

 

Anon (7th April '04)

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died.

1st woman : I froze to death.

2nd woman : How horrible!

1st woman : It wasn't so bad.. after I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman : I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself watching TV in the den.

1st woman : So what happened?

2nd woman : I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and then down in the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally exhausted and stressed, I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!

1st woman : Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.

 

Another Cowboy Joke (4th April '04)

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working  cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of  women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.

 

Sometimes you have to just see the bright side of things: Foggie (4th April '04)

A  bloke's wife goes missing while holidaying on the North Queensland coast.

He spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of pretty miserable policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The  Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad  news, but, some good news and maybe some really good news".

"Well," says the bloke, "You'd better let me have it both barrels, what's the bad news?"

The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He  got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear this and has a bit of a turn.

After a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news  is.

The sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good  sized crays and a swag of legal muddies in and around her wetsuit, so we've  brought you your share." And he hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

"Geez thanks. They're bloody beaut, I guess it's an ill wind and all that.

Now, what's the really good news?"

"Well", the Sarge says, "me and  young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!....you fancy comin' with  us?"

 

Prince Phillip Quotes (28th March '04)

Dear Old Phil the Greek, everybody loves him. A natural leader? Well, you could say that most would only follow him out of idle curiosity. But, a definite penchant for engaging mouth before brain -

1967 - When asked if he would like to visit the Soviet Union) "The bastards murdered half my family.."

1981 - A comment during the UK's recession) "Everybody was saying we must have more leisure. Now they are complaining they are unemployed.."

1982 - To Solomon Islanders, on being told that their population growth was 5% a year) "You must be out of your minds.."

1984 - On receiving a gift from a Kenyan native woman) "You are a woman aren't you?.."

1986 - To a group of British students in China) "If you stay here much longer you'll all be slitty-eyed.."

To a Cayman Islander "Aren't most of you descended from pirates?.."

1990 - To a British ex-pat in Hungary) "You can't have been here that long, you haven't got a pot-belly yet.."

1995 - To a Scottish driving instructor in Oban) "How do you keep the natives off the booze for long enough to pass their test?.."

1998 - To a student who'd trekked in Papua New Guinea) "You managed not to get eaten then?.."

1999 - On seeing a fuse box while being shown around an Edinburgh factory) "It looks as though it was put in by an Indian.."

2002 - To a school band in Cairns, Australia) "You were playing your instruments weren't you?, or do you have tape recorders under your seats?.."

2002 - To an Aboriginal man on Australia's Tjapukai Aboriginal Cultural Park) "Do you still throw spears at each other..?

2002 - Commenting during the Jubilee tour) "If you travel as much as we do you appreciate how much more comfortable aircraft have become. Unless you travel in something called economy class, which sounds ghastly.."

2002 - Commenting on the London traffic debate, after mayor Ken Livingstone forced through his plan to charge motorists £5 to enter the city) "The problem with London is the tourists. They cause the congestion. If we could just stop tourism we could stop the congestion.."

Summer 2002 - Aboard the floating restaurant 'Il Punto' on the river Orwell in Ipswich, after thoroughly enjoying an excellent full English breakfast) "French cooking's all very well, but they can't do a decent English breakfast.." (Il Punto is owned by Frenchman Regis Crepy..)

2003 - visiting a school, asking a tubby little boy what he wanted to be when he grows up, and being told, 'an astronaut') "You'll have to lose a bit of weight first.."

 

From Adam Tachach (19th March '04)

Don't know that I like this very much, but since I'm a magnanimous person, I'll let it slip in for a couple of hours - G.

A Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much it is for a tooth extraction.

"$85 for an extraction sir" was the dentist's reply.

"Och huv ye no got anythin' cheaper" replies the Scotsman getting agitated.

"But that's the normal charge for an extraction sir" said the dentist.

"What about if ye din't use any anesthetic?" asked the Scotsman hopefully.

"Well it's highly unusual sir, could be quite painful, but if that's what you want, I suppose I can do it for $70" said the dentist.

"Hmmmm, what about if yer used one of your dentist trainees and still without anesthetic" said the Scotsman.

"Well it's possible but they are only training and I can't guarantee their level of professionalism and it'll be a lot more painful. I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say $40" said the dentist.

"Och that's still a bit much, how about if ye make it a trainin' session and have yer student do the extraction and the other students watchin' and learnin" said the Scotsman hopefully

"Hmmmmm, well OK it'll be good for the students I suppose, I'll charge you only $5 in that case" said the dentist

"Och now yer talkin'laddie! It's a deal" said the Scotsman. "Can yoo confirm an appointment for the wife on Tuesday?"

 

My romantic history - Anon. (19th March '04)

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 26 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 28, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits

 

Colin Cox's Dog Called Sex (11th March '04)

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls them "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the Council Offices to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite advanced for your years." When I decided to get married, I told the vicar that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at a Registry Office. My family have never been allowed to go to church ever since.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the receptionist that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. She said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The receptionist said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honour, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Same here!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A policeman came over and asked me what I was doing down a dark alleyway at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I can't live any longer being so lonely." Do you know what the psychiatrist said? She told me that I had to get a grip and understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so go out and get myself a dog!

 

Foggie's On Form (5th March '04)

Golf VS Old Age !!!!

An 80-year old guy goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"

I'm a golfer," says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight."

"Well," ways the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"

"Who said my dad's dead?"

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"

"He's 100 years old," says the old golfer. "In fact, he golfed with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive... he's a golfer too."

"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my grandpa's dead?"

Stunned, doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Just how old is he anyway?"

"He's 118 years old," says the old golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point and says, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

"No... Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."

The doctor can hardly believe it. "Got married!! Why in the hell would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?"

 

First Joke, First Prize - Rog Stuart (30th Feb '04)

One of the best "singles ads" ever read.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship,
ethnicity unimportant.

I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play.

I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours.

Call
(404) 875-6420
and ask for Daisy.

 

read on . . . . .



Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the
Atlanta
Humane Society about an 8 week old black Labrador retriever.

Men are so easy.

 

Telephone help line transcript: Enjoy (23/06/2008)

Ever get p&£%%*& off with automatic telephone responses:


"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline...

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press; no one will answer.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, please don't press any buttons; you'll just mess it up.
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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