06/23/08

Welcome to your Humour page.

I know, I know, I know, it's been missing since the advent of the new site, I've had hundreds of complaints (two, at least). So here it is, it's up to you. A lot of you were as funny as a bucket full of bums when I flew with you, so it's time to shine again!!!

MURPHY'S OTHER 15 LAWS... Dave Baker (23rd June '08)

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. 

3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night. 

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. 

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. 

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them. 

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. 

11. The things that come to those that wait, may be the things left by those who got there first. 

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer. 

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14 . The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Business Deal - Pete Jerdan (19th April '08)

KNOWING THAT YOU ARE A PERSON WHO IS ALWAYS INTERESTED IN AN OPPORTUNITY FOR INVESTMENT, YOU MAY BE INTERESTED IN THIS PROPOSITION…

A group of us are considering investing in a large cat ranch near Tenant Creek, NT. It is our purpose to start rather small, about one million cats. Each cat averages about twelve kittens each year and skins can be sold for about 20c for the white ones and up to about 40c for the black.This will give us 12 million cat skins per year to sell at an average price of around 32c, making our revenue about $3 million per year. This averages out to about $10,000 pet day – excluding Sundays and holidays. A good Aroriginal cat man can skin about fifty cats per day at a wage of $3.15 per day plus keep. It will only take 663 men to operate the ranch so that the net profit is over $8,200 per day…

Now the cats would be fed on rats – exclusively. Rats multiply four times as fast as cats. We would start a rat farm adjacent to our cat ranch. If we start with a million rats, we will have four rats per cat each day.The rats will be fed on the carcasses of the cats that we skin. This will give each rat a quarter of a cat.

You can see that this business is a clean operation, self-supporting and automatic throughtout. The cats eat the rats, the rats eat the cats and we get the skins.

Let me know if you’re interested. As you can imagine, I’m rather particular who I want to get into this and want the fewest inversors possible.

Eventually, it is my hope to cross the cats with snakes as they will skin themselves twice a year. This will save on labour costs for skinning as well as giving two skins for one cat.

CAT AND RAT RANCH – Please disregard this proposition as the latest one, hot off the press, is an OWL AND ROOSTER FARM…We are working on crossing a rooster with an owl to establish a cock that will stay up all night…

Generics! - Courtesy Mike Bradley (19th Jan '08)


In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen.
Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called  Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a  mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and  just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky
boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Dr Seuss or Dr Gauss - Foggie (14th Jan '08)

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!

Nursery Rhymes we didn't have as kids - Courtesy MHE (5th Dec '07)?

Mary had a little pig,

She kept it fat and plastered;

And when the price of pork went up,

She shot the little b*****d.

***

Mary had a little lamb.

Her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her,

Between two hunks of bread.

***

Jack and Jill went up the hill

To have a little fun.

Stupid Jill forgot the pill

And now they have a son.

***

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.

Said Simple Simon to the pie man,

"What have you got there?"

Said the pie man unto Simon,

"Pies, you dumb ***"

***

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the kings' horses,

And all the kings' men.

Had scrambled eggs, for breakfast again.

***

Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,

All over the bedside clock.

The little dog laughed to see such fun.

Then died of electric shock.

***

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,

Kissed the girls and made them cry.

And when the boys came out to play,

He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

***

There was a little girl who had a little curl

Right in the middle of her forehead.

When she was good, she was very, very good.

But when she was bad........

She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

Bring Some Calmness Into Your Life (17th Oct '07)

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice that I heard on a Medical TV show, I have at last finally found inner peace.

A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish off all the things you have started but not finished.

So, this morning I looked around the house to identify all unfinished tasks. In the course of my therapy, I finished off 19 Benson & Hedges, a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the rest of the Chesescke an a bax a cholates. Yu haf no idr who gud I fel. Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece. (Hic)

Subject: Pre-takeoff Announcement on a China Southern Airlines Flight (2nd July '07)

This is a true account of what was heard on a recent flight from Shenzhen to Qingtao by China Southern Airlines:

"Good afternoon, Ladies and the German. This is your cheap purser Wang Lui speaking. On behalf of China Sudden Airlines, I would like to welcome you on board our Bowling 737 from Shenzhen to Qingtao.

Members of my crew speak Chinese and other languages that you do not know.

It is a great pressure serving you to-die. Should you need any resistance during the fright, peace do pest the call button. I and my gals are available to make you feel comfortable.

Meanwhile, the airkwaft is going to fry. Peace sit upright and keep you belt tightly fastened until dinner is served at five dirty p.m. Hope you would enjoy your fright with us.

Famous Sexy Quotes - Jim (S&M) Menteth  (20th May '07)

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."

Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant." George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'." Jerry Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams

" It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." Joan Rivers

" Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy." Steve Martin

" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life." Elmo Phillips

" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde

" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."

George Burns

Fosters (20th May '07)

An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian barmaid. As she takes his order - aFoster's - she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place.

Although attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him. As she is travelling around the world, and short of funds, she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again. Again orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she'll sleep with him again for $200. Remembering the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights.

On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention, maybe she can shake some more Australian dollars out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him and asks where he's from in Australia.

"Melbourne", he tells her. "So am I. What suburb?" she enquires. "Glen Iris" he replies. "That's amazing," she says excitedly, "so am I - what street?" "Cameo Street" he replies. "This is unbelievable........." she says, her voice quavering; "What number?" "Number 20", he replies.

She is totally astonished. "You are NOT going to believe this," she screams, "but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!!"

"Yeah, I know..." he says, "Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you"

HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN, THINKS AUSTRALIAN....

Career Path of an Airline Pilot - Pete Jerdan (20th May '07)

30 years old: Join Company. World is your Oyster.

31 years: Buy Flashy Car, House and lots of toys.

32 years: Divorce boring first wife. Pay Child support and maintenance whilst looking for second wife. Drink lots of beer and screw around whilst looking for second wife.

33 years: Repeat as above for a few more years.

36 years: Marry young spunky 25 year old virgin flight attendant.

37 years: Buy another house. Gave first one to wife 1.

38 years: Give in to second wife to have more kids. Father again.

39 years: Now a Captain. Hooray! Upgrade house and buy boat and flashier cars.

42 years: Wife two runs off with wealthy banker but still wants share of house (100%).

43 years: Settle with wife and resolve to stay away from women forever. Seek appointment as Check Captain to have something to do. Move into two Bed Apartment.

50 years: Meet sexy singer on a trip. She loves you and says you are very "beeeg".

51 years: Marry sexy singer. Buy big house, boat and upgrade cars.

52 years: Sexy singer wants kids (not again). Resolve to get vasectomy.

54 years: Try to talk wife out of kids but hey presto she's pregnant. Says got sick after taking pill. Accident, sorry, won't happen again.

55 years: Father of triplets.

56 years: Wife wants very big house, bigger boat and very flashy cars. Give in.

57 years: Make rash investments to try and have enough money for retirement.

59 Years: Lose money on rash investments and get audited by tax department.

60 Years: Wife three says you too old and no fun. Leaves. Takes most of your assets.

61 Years: Now Captain on a non-sked 727 and living in 1 bedroom apartment underneath the approach to Miami International Airport.

65 Years: Lose medical and get job as sim instructor. Look forward to years of getting up at 1 AM.

70 years: Alarm clock goes off at 1 AM. Have heart attack and die.

Happy at last!

Monkey Business - Mike West (29th Nov '06)

A fellow walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display.

While he was there, a Chief Petty Officer from the local Naval Air Station walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'd like a line service monkey, please."

The clerk nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it to the Chief, saying, "That'll be £1,000." The Chief paid and left with the monkey.

Surprised, the fellow went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey - most of them are only a few hundred pounds. Why did that one cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah - that was a line service monkey. He can park, fuel, and service all Naval aircraft, conduct all required ground ops testing, rig aircraft flight controls, and all with no mistakes. He's also trained in all carrier flight deck ops. He's well worth the money."

With increasing interest, the guy looked around and spotted a monkey in another cage with a £10,000 price tag. "That one's even more expensive! What can it do?"

"Oh, that one's a "Maintenance Supervisor" monkey. She can instruct at all levels of aircraft maintenance, supervise all corrective and preventive maintenance programs, supervise a crew of Maintainers, and even do most of the paperwork. A very useful
monkey indeed," replied the shopkeeper.

The guy looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. The price tag read, "£50,000". Holy shit!  What does this one do?"

"Well", the shopkeeper said, "I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer, screw the girl monkeys, and play with his pecker.    But his papers say that he's a licenced pilot....."

Barbie Time (15th Nov '06)

No kidding, the following was extracted from a Hartlepool newspaper:

I was waiting as customer services in Asda and the woman in front was returning a disposable barbeque.

When asked why, she replied that when she'd opened it there was no meat in it.

The shop assistant patiently explained that the barbeque was simply to cook the meat it didn't include. The customer looked very embarrassed indeed.

Anyway, the assistant looked at her receipt and asked "There are three barbeques on here, are you returning the other two as well?"

"I can't" said the woman. "They're at home in the freezer".

By all Means... MARRY! - Sorry Ladies (23rd Oct '06)

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?

Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Anonymous

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Henny Youngman

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

Sam Kinison

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.

James Holt McGavran

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.

Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it - once...

Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Courtesy - Mike Hardy (23rd Oct '06)

To commemorate her 69th birthday Julie Andrews made a
special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP.

One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favourite Things"
from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music." However, the lyrics of the song were deliberately
changed for the entertainment of her "blue rinse" audience. Here are the lyrics she recited:

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,

Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,

Bundles of magazines tied up with string,

These are a few of my favourite things.

Cadillac's, cataract s, hearing aids and glasses,

Polident, Fixodent and dentures and glasses,
 
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favourite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,

No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,

Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin,'
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',

And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,

When we remember our favourite things.

 When the joints ache,
 When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
THEN I REMEMBER THE GREAT LIFE I'VE HAD,
AND THEN I DON'T FEEL SO BAD.

Courtesy - Ann Lovegrove (7th Sept '06)

Smart Ass Smart Ass Answer #1:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

Smart Ass Answer #2:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Smart Ass Answer #3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Smart Ass Answer #4:
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles, Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,"Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Smart Ass Answer 5:
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
 

American Courts (16th Aug '06)

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?

A: No, I just lie there.

 

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July 15th. Q: What year?

A: Every year.

 

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

 

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And ! in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

 

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

 

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Doris?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

 

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

 

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

 

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

 

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

 

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

 

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

 

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male or a female?

 

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, ! this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

Your Weather - Ann Lovegrove (14th Aug '06)

If you're planning a trip, look outside. If the sky looks like this, forget the trip and grab a novel!

Noah in 2006 - Anne Lovegrove (2nd Aug '06)

In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environment alists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.

They insis! ted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card sta tus of most of the people who want to work.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

They walk among us- Foggie (21st July '06)
 

YES SOME ARE REALLY JUST THIS DUMB........ Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it. Caution... They Walk Among Us

===================

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff." They Walk Among Us!

===================

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" . . They Walk Among Us!

===================

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving" They Walk Among Us!

===================

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk... They Walk Among Us!

===================

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.... They Walk Among Us!

===================

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned... They Walk Among Us!

===================

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?" They Walk Among Us!

===================

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces. Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.

===================

*They walk among us, AND reproduce!

Humour, Yeah, But Ain't It The Truth - Courtesy Mike Hardy (20th July '06)

          "Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me. your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

          The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

          The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

          The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?" The second old guy says:

          "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big bust, and is wearing short shorts.

          "What does your wife look like?" To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours."
 

Teddy Bears - Brian (19th July '06)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up
leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom! Where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, and more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"

The guy warmly smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says: "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."

Courtesy Pete Lipscombe (16th July '06)

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood & began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to piss off & let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

OK, follow me", he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went across a river & into a huge forest.

Finally he slowed down & all other bats excitedly milled around him,tongues hanging out for blood.

"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.

"YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good!" said the first bat, because I f/*g didn't!"

I Love This One (11th July '06)

A man worked all life, saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my wealth to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him, faithfully that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
 

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait a minute!" She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

Her friend said, "I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied "Listen, I'm a Christian; I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him, so that's what I did."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did" said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque - if he can cash it, he can spend it."

A Couple From Ann Lovegrove (1st July '06)

A Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach. He is playing in the water and she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading.

The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. Swept away.

She raises her hands to the sky as she screams and cries, "Lord, how could you? Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother? Haven't I been a wonderful mother? Haven't I kept a kosher home? Haven't I given to B'nai B'rith? Haven't I given to Hadassah? Haven't I lit candles every Friday night? Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?"

A voice booms from the sky, "Okay, okay!"

A few minutes later, another hu ge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there, smiling and splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.

The voice booms again. "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"

She responds, "He had a hat."

SHARING THE SUNSET YEARS

An elderly couple visits McDonalds. He orders one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them.

As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man says they are just fine - they are used to sharing everything. The surrounding people notice the little old lady hasn't eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally takes turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman says, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything." As the old man finishes and is wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who has yet to eat a single bite of food and asks, "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answers....

.

 

"THE TEETH"

It Has To Be Foggie (16th June '06)

Seems appropriate to recycle this old list of jokes on the eve of some little sports comp that's about to kick off in Europe somewhere.

Q: Why aren't the English football team allowed to own a dog? A: Because they can't hold on to a lead.

Q: What's the difference between the England team and a tea-bag? A: The tea-bag stays in the cup longer.

Q: What is common between a 3-pin plug and the English football team? A: They are both useless in Europe!

Q: What's the difference between O J Simpson and England? A: OJ Simpson had a more credible defence

Rumours that David Beckham was seen successfully seducing a young woman in a Spanish nightclub with a one-liner have been completely refuted by the English FA. Adam Crozier, chief publicity officer stated: "I find it totally preposterous to suggest that one of our players could make a successful pass to or at anyone."

Q. What's the difference between the English and a jet engine?

A. A jet engine eventually stops whining.

Q. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and Jimmy Hill. You have a gun with two bullets. What do you do?

A. Shoot Jimmy Hill - twice.

Q. What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead English football fan on the road?

A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q. What do English football fans and sperm have in common?

A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q. Why should you never swerve to hit an English football fan on a bicycle?

A. It could be your bicycle.

Four surgeons are taking a coffee break. The first one says, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up everything inside them is numbered." The second surgeon says, "Nah, librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order." Third surgeon says, "Try electricians. Everything inside them is colour-coded." The fourth one says, "I prefer English football fans. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and arses are interchangeable."

Did you hear about the UK politician who was found dead in an English football jersey? The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in order to save his family from the embarrassment.

Did you hear that the UK Post Office has had to recall their latest stamps with pictures of English football players on them. People couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Q. What do you do when 100 English football fans are buried up to their necks in sand?

A. Get more sand
 

Humorous or No - Courtesy Alan Miller (10th June '06)

If you can raed this, you have a sgtrane mnid, too.
Can you raed this? Olny 55 plepoe tuo of 100 anc.
I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg.
The Phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are,
The Olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit
Pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a
Pboerlm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef,
But the Word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was
Ipmorantt!

Priceless (29th May '06)

This is just so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A relative died this past January, and Citibank billed her for January and February for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now it was somewhere around $60.00.

I placed a call to Citibank:

Me:         "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me:          "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Citibank:  "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."

Me:          “So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank:  "Either report her account to the frauds ! division or report her to the    credit bureau, maybe both!"

Me:          "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Citibank:  "Excuse me?"

Me:          "Did you just get what I was telling you--The part about her being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Me:         "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me:          "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: (Stammer). "Are you her lawyer?"

Me:         "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Me:        "Sure." (Fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Me:         "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."

Me:         "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank: "That might help."

Me:         "Odessa Memorial Cemetery
                   Hwy 129,
                   Plot number 6 9
                   Odessa, Texas."

Citibank: "But Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Me:         "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

Courtesy Russ McDermid (20th May '06)

Subject: A New Key To Success?

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L -S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S -I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+ 9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Some People Will Go to Any Lengths!

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you okay?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded and said, "Pepper!"

Courtesy Ann Lovegrove (24th May '06)

Subject: For all of you who have been there and needed one.........


finally a place to buy them...
 

More from Evil (not so evil Ned) (14th April '06)

2.

Where did pets come from?

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where did pets come from?"

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, “I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, “I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well." 

And God said, “I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

*
*
*
*
*
*
*
 

And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.

Foggie and Evil Ned (16th April '06)

Received the following from the above separated by a couple of nano seconds. Thanks to both.

The manager of Liverpool FC sends scouts out round the World looking for a new striker to hopefully win Liverpool the title. One of his scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. So the manager flies to Iraq to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield. Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down at home with only twenty minutes left, and Liverpool's manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod to go on. The lad is a sensation, scores five goals in twenty minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When he comes off the pitch he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in English football. "Hi Mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for twenty minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored five and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the players and the media, they all love me." "Great," says his Mum, "now let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time." The young lad is very upset. "What can I say Mum, but I'm so sorry". "Sorry?!?" says his Mum. "It's your f#$^&%ng fault that we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"

A Clean One for a change!!! (8th April '06)

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "HeyDoc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic wasworking on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So, Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...............................................................


"Try doing it with the engine running."

Could Not Resist This One (7th March '06)

LIFE IN THE AUSTRALIAN ARMY (7th Feb '06)

Don't know where I got this one, I can't take the credit, but it's a hoot

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town west  of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland.)

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope  youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on  the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!

I wuz a bit  slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make  ya bed and shine  ya boots and clean ya uniform.

No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack -  nothin'!!  Blokes has gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum  makes.

You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city  boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez, its only just like  walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will  kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno  why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move  and its not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable  and hit the target - its a piece of piss!! You don't even hafta load your own  cartridges - they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they breakeasy - it's not like  fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steveand Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only  been beaten by this one bloke from  the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15  stone and three pickhandles across the shoulders, and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and  eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried  me off to the boozer.

I can't complain  about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good  it is.

Your loving daughter,

Jill

Foggie's Back

After a considerable absence my mail "Humour Correspondant" has returned. For you entertainment and edification here are a couple of his latest:

One

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in

the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

Two

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These questions and answers are from the days when the "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions.

Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado,